Phishr Chronicles

Once in the Tulsa city limits, I’ll ask of you to follow these instructions for the most amazing thing known to man. I want to thank Stink and his pops for this. Simply Amazing.

BE SURE THAT:

a) You are not wearing anything that will get your ass kicked
b) A ten dollar bill
c) 2 quarters WARNING: IF YOU DON”T TAKE 2 QUARTERS, THIS WILL NOT WORK.

Directions:

1) Exit on Memorial off of Highway 51 (Broken Arrow Expressway)

2) Head north on Memorial until you get to the light at 33rd and turn west.

3) Locate the establishment with motorcycles lined up EVERYWHERE. I promise, you won’t miss it.

4) Enter establishment. Do not make eye contact with anyone. Only speak when spoken too.

5) Find spot at bar. Locate bartender with long hair, cute face, and is amazingly “top heavy”

6) Gain her attention. Order beer. Set two quarters at edge of bar approximately 6 inches apart.

7) Place remaining amount of ten after beer behind the quarters you have so strategically placed. For this will be the tip. (Note: she could be busy. Remain patient.)

8)Make eye contact, draw attention to quarters. Smile.

9) Watch out for ice, enjoy show.

10) You have just witnessed the most amazing thing in your life. You are now clear to die happily.

A FEW HELPFUL SIDE NOTES:

As I was only in there for only 1 hour and 45 minutes, I witnessed 2 fights and almost a smooth parking lot boot party.  Watch your mouth partner, you’re the outsider here.

Don’t eyeball any guys hag. That is HIS hag. Not yours.

Was that a drug deal you just saw? No it wasn’t… You saw nothing.

Don’t leave your hag passed out at the bar. For this is quite disrespectful and will result in a shattered pool cue lodged under your ribs.

 The peanuts are safe. Just don’t suck the salt off.

Keep it clean. Just keep telling yourself that

It might appear that witnessing this show is not worth your life. Well you’re very wrong. It is. Your life is meaningless until you witness this.  You’ll be fine just as long as you follow my steps to survival. They are all genuinely nice people. You treat them with respect and they’ll buy you beers and watch your back.

I, Stink, have never felt as good as I did after my first MILF.  The premise to the story is a trip to Corpus Christi, TX with my old roommate whose parents had a condo on the beach.  My roommate, Guile, so named because he had a Street Fighter II Arcade game in our apartment and he always kicked my ass with the character Guile.  Well him and I left Tulsa and drove the 12 to 13 hours to Corpus Christi the summer before his last year in school.  It was August and my number 1 goal was to get as drunk as possible and hook up with some girls.  His number 1 goal was to just get drunk since at the time he had a girlfriend. 

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One Thursday in 11th grade we decided to go party at the lake. The reason for this is because the next day was Junior Jam day which equates to powder puff football and jumping on trampolines all day. It’s the same day as graduation for the seniors. So we packed our mansion tent which was a massive 3 room tent and we bought multiple cases of beer and all headed for the lake. The motley crew that went was me (Stink), Phishr, Treez, Danimal and O’Dis.

When we got to the lake low and behold there was 5 girls at the very next camp site. Could you think how happy us adolescent boys were. They weren’t the most attractive of girls but you know…we were drinking so they started to look a little better. Well these girls are from a town not to far from the lake or our hometown called Haskell. It’s really a miserable excuse for a town…you know the type with one stoplight. Well anywho at another campsite there was this kid named Coweta Chris who was the biggest douchebag and me and him almost fought cause he was being mean to the girls and I was trying to be nice so we could get lucky. He finally left and all of us decided to go swimming.

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Years ago I believe we were in 10th grade; we had a long weekend in October for Columbus Day. I was hanging around all the familiar people like Treez, Skeet, Eskimo and a guy named Nick. We had been drinking at various places throughout the night and we had our eye on the prize…chickenheads (aka, easy women on the block). There were a few girls we had that we were supposed to hang around but there are many turns and twists throughout the night. I was riding with Skeet in his truck and Treez and Nick were riding in Nick’s truck with Eskimo driving…under suspended license. We drank at various people’s houses all night and then we went to AHAB’s…a Muslim gas stations that sold us tobacco and beer while we were underage. We went in and grabbed a couple cases and proceeded to walk outside and these two quasi-attractive but drunkable girls that asked me what we were up to. They were at the phone booth saying they were waiting on some guys to call back from the page they sent him, but he wasn’t calling them back. They asked me if we wanted to hang out and of course I said…MAYBE. I was horny and young at the time; maybe 15 years old. Well I got their number and then we proceeded to try and go to another party but on the way out Skeet and me kept driving but Eskimo peeled out in Nick’s truck and of course Johnny Law was there waiting. He pulled them over and we kept going and wound up at Skeet’s house. We called the skanks from the gas station and as we walked outside Nick’s mom dropped off Eskimo in the driveway. He told us of tales of them spraying Michael Jordan cologne in their mouths to get rid of the alcohol smell and that the cops let them go with Nick getting a Minor in Possession and the other guys could get taken home by his mom without any repercussions. So us three, Eskimo, Skeet and me went to the earlier mentioned skank’s apartment which was set in Section 8 housing and come to find out it was her cousin’s house who was on welfare with a young boy. We walked into the living room and there they were…not two like earlier but three this time. We drank and partied and talked and so on but it soon led me into a chugging contest with Skeet. He won; I got fucked up and did the inevitable. I took the one that liked me into a room…decorated with children’s toys and a crib. The baby wasn’t in the crib mind you. Well I did the deed and went back to the living room to drink more. The third girl…the new one wasn’t there anymore so there we were 3 guys and 2 girls. Well 30 minutes passed by and then me and Eskimo noticed that we were with only one girl and Skeet and the one that I had already boned was nowhere in sight. 10 minutes later they arose from the very bedroom I did her in not even 1 hour earlier.

 [Side note: Skeet hit it and he was a virgin before that night. He lost his virginity to a complete hoe that his friend did only a short time before that.]

 Anyways…20 minutes after he got his then made up a lie that his mom paged him and he high-tailed it out of there leaving me and Eskimo behind. We were lost so we did what other respecting young men would have done. We kept drinking until we could forget the night. I awoke some time later to Eskimo slapping me on the face telling me to wake up and smoke a cigarette with him. Eskimo went to the balcony to smoke and he told me he watched the two girls take my penis out and they were digging their teeth into it. I got scared so he went to the bathroom cause he had to piss and he filled the shampoo bottles with piss and then the cousin of one of the sluts woke up from work around 5 and took us both home. We dropped Eskimo off at his house but I had her drop me off at a house that was in my neighborhood but about 4 blocks away so there was no way they could find out where I was.

The moral to the story: Don’t take achickenheads invitation to hang out with her if she is standing at the PayPhone at AHAB’s waiting on another guy to call her