Phishr Chronicles

 This story is a little off the beaten path from what I have ever written before.  I have always written about sex and defiling women but this one is about the bad luck I run into which always seems to happen in pairs.   

Dating back to when I was a freshman it was the spring semester and I had just recently joined a fraternity.  Not really something I wanted to do but hey it got me out of the dorms.  Well the second weekend I was in the house somebody was throwing a party in the Jefferson Commons apartment complex.  Anyone who has ever lived in Stillwater knows about the wild partying and crazy orgy-fest that go on at that complex.  Well we are partying at this place and it was a gangster theme party because my good friends’ dad owned a drive thru liquor store and was selling us cases of MGD 40s for only 12 bucks apiece.  A hell of a deal for a poor college student.  Well after me and a guy named Eric and a girl named crazy bitch decided that party sucked so we were going to another party. 

As we pull around a corner in the neighborhood this party was taking place in we see a cop so Eric turns the corner and tries to outrun the cop and we pull into a friend named Paul’s house.  The cop lights us up and pulls us over in the driveway.  Crazy Bitch throws her open 40 in the back seat with me.  Cop comes up and smells alcohol and makes Eric get out.  Crazy Bitch gets out and the let her call a friends, which came and picked her up whom by the way, was pilled out. 

I get asked to get out of the car and they drill me with questions while Eric looks on thru the window of the back seat of the cop car with hand cuffs on.  They searched the car and found 3 12 packs of 40s and made me personally empty ever single bottle.  Then they arrest me and take me to jail for public intox.  A fucking PI for drinking 1 40 and crazy bitch had a pill head come pick her up and she was fucked up.  I wasn’t even drunk yet. 

Fast forward to the next day.  I get out and they hand me all my stuff and make me pay a fee saying since this was a first offense I wouldn’t be charged but I had to pay 85 dollars to charity.  Fine whatever, “who do I make the check out to?”  

Well later that night since it was MLK weekend we had another party at a house about 6 blocks from the fraternity house.  I got pretty loaded this night.  I think I weighed every bit of 130 pounds as a freshman and I drank the better half of a 24 pack I was splitting with a friend.  By better half I think he only had 8.  So after I started swaying and felt like I needed to go home and sleep it off.  Walking seemed like the safest and most logical mans of transportation considering the state I was in and m run in the night before.   Whoo Whoo.  Police sirens and lights pulling me over.  The Cop, ” hey son it looks like you had trouble walking across that street there?” No officer I am fine I live right there in the fraternity house.  The Cop, “follow my pen.  Okay now say abcs frontwards and backwards.  You’re under arrest for Public Intox.  Fuck again.  But I only live right there.  It’s only 100 feet away to the property line.  Come on give me a fucking break. 

So I went to jail. Again.  This time they stuck me in a cell that was completely cement and would only allow me to have one shirt, my jeans and socks.  The room was about 50 degrees and it was January.  I was cold.   I asked them for toilet paper saying I had to shit but they wouldn’t give it to me.  I really only wanted it so I could wrap myself around it like a mummy to stay warm but they explained to me that I could use it to clog the sink/toilet and drown myself.  I tried to sleep only to be awoken by the guard. 

The Guard, “hey you want some eggs?  We stick them in the microwave oven heat em up and you eat em.  You want sum?” 

Me.  No thanks I’ll sleep. 

The next morning I got transferred to county.  I got in the car in cuffs sitting next to this black guy.  He asked me, “what they got u in here for n*&&@?” 

Ah man I got a PI. 

The guy, “Man they got me in here for firearms and possession of paraphernalia and weed and on warrants.” 

That sucks man. 

So in the car on the way to county lock up a Nelly song came on and the cop turned it up. The Black guy, “man u likes this song.  It’s bunk.” 

The cop, “man I just want to hear that song Air Force Ones.” 

The black guy, “man u know u can get ya sum of them Air force ones at WALLS for like $20 bucks.” 

The Cop, “Oh really that’s cool man.  I don’t know about the shoes I just like the song dawg.” He actually called this drug-dealing gun toting gangster “dawg”.  I was appalled. 

So anyways we get to the stations and I am getting strip-searched.  They make me lift up my sack and spread my cheeks and the black guy says, “Ah man I’m black I don’t need to do this shit.” In my mind I am thinking,”Man you were caught with several possession charges and I am in for being drunk.  You don’t think they need to check your ass for crack.” I pictured in my mind him digging a rock out with a comb when he got in his cell. 
 

Well shortly after that they released me and told me to call a ride.  I told them I didn’t have any numbers and would just walk.  They gave me my belongings minus my shoes.  They asked what color they were and I said white and they showed me some Jordan’s or something.  I said no I just have some ADIDAS tennis shoes. 

Low and behold they left them at city so I had to ride with a cop again to city to pick up my shoes.  He said he would drop me off at home and I told him I didn’t want people there to know because I thought I might get in trouble with the frat.  So he dropped me off at the fire department and I walked over a mile to get home.  What bullshit. 

Typically when a girl is this easy, you can go ahead and either expect

A) Chlamydia

B) A dramatic experience

C) An unplanned dilemma that will inevitably ruin your night

Unfortunately, a condom cannot prevent B and C.

I was partying at an old friends house when I met this cute easy little number who began openly flirting with me; if only all confrontations were this easy.

She showed me her boobs.

I smiled.

She asked to see my phallus.

I obliged.

She told me she shaved.

I asked fora viewing.

When a girl this simple comes along, you hold onto her. Not for a relationship, you never date anyone like this, unless your desperate but then you’ll always be worrying if she REALLY went to the bathroom or if she’s providing tug jobs for the rugby team in the hallway.  I always wondered what their fathers would think if they walked in on them performing said acts. Then one begins to pray that they don’t have daughters…

Our random romps went on for a few weeks. I’d call, she’d show up, we’d do what… well we’d slap ‘em. I didn’t feel guilty because quite frankly, she initiated this.  Then the unplanned dramatic experience that inevitably ruined my night decided to make it’s entrance.

I was at my friend Eskimo’s house drinking in the garage when I decided to call her up. We’re all pretty plowed and it just seemed like the right idea. She shows up and I sat down in the driveway with her. We started hooking up again in the driveway, one thing led to another and within minutes I was slappin ‘em again. Her heavy breathing turned to moans, that turned to other noises that turned into crying.

Not the good crying either.

I let up to see what all the crying was about. I was actually sensitive to her emotions.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“My daddy wouldn’t buy me a pair of shoes today! He’s so mean…”

I was astonished. Why on earth would she think of that in the middle of sex in a driveway with me.

Do I want to know? This might be one of those crazy repressed thoughts that I might have uncovered unknowingly.

“Eww, maybe you should leave right now…”

I ran into this girl about 5 years later at a festival in Stillwater, OK. She was a beer vendor. I sparked up a quick conversation with her.

“How have you been the past 5 years?’

She shot back, “good! I got married 2 years ago!”

Oh dear god, I felt sorry for her husband. If he only knew.

I sure hope he keeps that shoe closet stocked…

And stays away from rugby parties…

When we were freshman in high school, Skeet moved to Muskogee for a year because his mom got a house in an inheritance. Well every now and again Treez, Stevo an I would travel down there to go party and watch Skeet’s bro terrorize animals because he was a screwed up kid. I won’t talk about those stories but the stories from the parties are fun

1st trip to Muskogee

We first get there and meet two of Skeet’s friends, the Bunch and Seizure. One of them has pot, Treez and I liked Pot. We smoked. Later Treez grabs Seizure’s soccer bag and goes hiking in a quest for mass quantities of alcohol. Stevo, Skeet and I go hiking for mass quantities of girls. We find them and they know Skeet. We bring them back to Skeet’s house and about 2 hours later we see Treez stumbling around. He told us tales of walking a couple of miles and playing hey mister at a gas station. He purchased 5 cases of Red Dog and Ice House. Now for those of you who don’t remember those two beers they came in 18 packs and they were not so much like a nectar of the gods but more like piss. But we were 15 and did not care. Well Treez was covered in mud up to his thighs because he said he walked through some kind of make shift marshland.
Well we commenced drinking and figuring out which girls we were going to mess around with. There were 5 girls and 4 guys at this point so we call Seizure back over to take one of them. I take the one that has the biggest boobs, Treez takes the skinny semi-cute one, Stevo takes the pale black haired one and Skeet gets the tall girl probably because he’s the biggest guy. Seizure gets the ugly one. 

Then the fun started, I took Big Boobs McGee to her S-10 Blazer and start to have relations with her. It was fun, I think we broke one the shocks. All the other guys messed around to only in various ways and none got as far as I did. Well that night ended and we went back to Broken Arrow the next day.

In between trips a week before we went down there, the girls called my personal phone and left this message,

 ”Stink, Treez, Stevo, these are your Muskogee women… We heard ya’ll were coming down here this weekend and we can’t wait to see you.”

That was the whole message.

2nd Trip to Muskogee

We meet up with Skeet, Seizure and Bunch again. Then the girls came over. Yea you know what we were thinking. We were going to try and get something really kinky and crazy going on. It never happened of course. Well it was new girls b-day and she had a joint that someone gave her. I said let’s smoke it. She said I could get it after she had two hits. I got it and Treez goes, “Kill It Stink”. So I took all but a little roach of her b-day joint and handed it back to her.

She was not pleased but I was high and didn’t care.
So we got more beer and got drunk but this time none of us got any from any of the girls. I think we might have gotten to drunk and stoned and made them mad.

3rd Trip to Muskogee

Skeet’s 16th B-day.

What a wonderful day that was. This time it was at his dad’s house instead of his mom’s. We got beer and the girls to come over. We obviously started out proper by getting completely obliterated. The girls lined us up and wanted to see who has the firmest but so we flexed and they felt. Then we were asked to see who had the biggest dong so we showed them.

It was a little strange.
So the night keeps progressing and we start trying to hook up. We get the same girls we did the first time. Stevo starts hooking up with Vampira, so named because she would only stay in the dark. She tells him, don’t worry I shaved.

Yeah right.

He sticks his hand in her pants and it’s something reminiscent of a 1970’s porn bush. Later on Stevo went to McDonald’s with Vampira and while waiting in the drive-thru he fondled her boobs and she stroked his penis. She ordered a bunch of food and Stevo asked why she was ordering so much food. Vampira notified him that she was ordering the food for her boyfriend that she was meeting after she dropped him off…
Skeet goes to his bedroom only to be blocked by Treez walking in on him trying to hit it. Treez comes to me and asks for a condom in his attempt at trying to get some. I take Big Boobs McGee to the back of Skeet’s dad’s SUV and she says we can’t have sex so she tugs me off and it actually worked. She left and there was one girl that didn’t have a guy because there were 5 of them and only 4 of us.

I felt bad for her so I started hooking up with her.

Her friend that Treez was trying to hook up with caught wind of this and said if I took her friend’s virginity, she would kill me. That settled it for Treez though.

His girl wasn’t going to do anything because she wanted to make sure I didn’t have sex with her friend.

So I took her to the other side of a Jeep parked in the street. I laid on the ground and she starts giving me a hummer right there in the middle of the street. They could hear her slurping from 20 feet away.

I hope she has kids and they are reading this.

Then a car started to drive by and I had to get up and then we went to the back yard. Well after time Vampira and the other’s left us.
About an hour after the girls had left us Skeet had to poop.

This wasn’t your ordinary lunchbreak bowel movement. 

It was a poop so messy because of all the booze and enchiladas we had that day that I don’t think the Muskogee HAZMAT team would have been able to contain the demons that sprayed out of his tailpipe. He used almost a full roll of toilet paper and still managed in his drunken stupor to smear poodoo all over his hand. After he noticed his fecal matter on his hand, he did what any guy trying to salvage, what little, if any amount of integrity and dignity he might still possess. 
He rolled directly into the shower for a carwash.

While he was in the shower Stevo and Treez and I devised a plan to throw ice cold water on Skeet. He screamed like a little girl but little did we know this would be the start of the most epic shaming I have ever been apart of.
Treez went and passed out on Skeet’s bed with his shoes on.  For any rookies to the game of binging, this is a free opportunity to shame.

A mixture of about 50 spices, eggs, pickles and other things were used in one of the worst shamings I have ever seen. It looked like a big pile of the same chum that Quint threw overboard to lure the shark in JAWS. Skeet got his infamous rage that he gets when drunk.  And this time it was for Treez walking in on him while he was trying to get some. Skeet first started slapping Treez across the face but it was to his dismay, that it did no good with Treez being in the drunken coma state that he was.
Skeet then came up with the most unthinkable acts of barbarism ever to be thought of during a shaming. We don’t know exactly how he devised this plan in his drunken rage but it was absolutely without a doubt the most revolting way to end a night that I can think of. Skeet put a porno in the DVD player, primed himself up, got out a bottle of lotion and finished one off all over Treez’ body. Treez awoke sometime after this but was too drunk to comprehend anything.

Treez asked for water.

Stevo gave him a bottle of The World’s Most Dangerous BBQ Sauce.

Treez, apparently neandrathal drunk, tried to chug what he thought was waer but instead he spit it up all over himself. Treez went to the bed of Skeet’s truck to lay down. We thought it would be polite to hose Treez off with a jug of diluted sticky pickle juice.  

A simple moral to this story might be something like don’t cockblock a friend and pass out first.

 I personally think it should be “stay the fuck out of Muskogee.”

Once in the Tulsa city limits, I’ll ask of you to follow these instructions for the most amazing thing known to man. I want to thank Stink and his pops for this. Simply Amazing.

BE SURE THAT:

a) You are not wearing anything that will get your ass kicked
b) A ten dollar bill
c) 2 quarters WARNING: IF YOU DON”T TAKE 2 QUARTERS, THIS WILL NOT WORK.

Directions:

1) Exit on Memorial off of Highway 51 (Broken Arrow Expressway)

2) Head north on Memorial until you get to the light at 33rd and turn west.

3) Locate the establishment with motorcycles lined up EVERYWHERE. I promise, you won’t miss it.

4) Enter establishment. Do not make eye contact with anyone. Only speak when spoken too.

5) Find spot at bar. Locate bartender with long hair, cute face, and is amazingly “top heavy”

6) Gain her attention. Order beer. Set two quarters at edge of bar approximately 6 inches apart.

7) Place remaining amount of ten after beer behind the quarters you have so strategically placed. For this will be the tip. (Note: she could be busy. Remain patient.)

8)Make eye contact, draw attention to quarters. Smile.

9) Watch out for ice, enjoy show.

10) You have just witnessed the most amazing thing in your life. You are now clear to die happily.

A FEW HELPFUL SIDE NOTES:

As I was only in there for only 1 hour and 45 minutes, I witnessed 2 fights and almost a smooth parking lot boot party.  Watch your mouth partner, you’re the outsider here.

Don’t eyeball any guys hag. That is HIS hag. Not yours.

Was that a drug deal you just saw? No it wasn’t… You saw nothing.

Don’t leave your hag passed out at the bar. For this is quite disrespectful and will result in a shattered pool cue lodged under your ribs.

 The peanuts are safe. Just don’t suck the salt off.

Keep it clean. Just keep telling yourself that

It might appear that witnessing this show is not worth your life. Well you’re very wrong. It is. Your life is meaningless until you witness this.  You’ll be fine just as long as you follow my steps to survival. They are all genuinely nice people. You treat them with respect and they’ll buy you beers and watch your back.

I, Stink, have never felt as good as I did after my first MILF.  The premise to the story is a trip to Corpus Christi, TX with my old roommate whose parents had a condo on the beach.  My roommate, Guile, so named because he had a Street Fighter II Arcade game in our apartment and he always kicked my ass with the character Guile.  Well him and I left Tulsa and drove the 12 to 13 hours to Corpus Christi the summer before his last year in school.  It was August and my number 1 goal was to get as drunk as possible and hook up with some girls.  His number 1 goal was to just get drunk since at the time he had a girlfriend. 

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