Phishr Chronicles

I don’t know if anyone out there does this, but can you identify one thing that just makes your day that much better. For some people it may be seeing their children, for others, it may be watching a rear end collision. It is that one moment that defines the day, and today being Friday, something pretty astonishing would have to catch my attention to divert the only thing I can think about… Stiff Drink Friday.

Yes today is the day I and a fellow neighbor of mine have dubbed Stiff Drink Friday. I am thrilled for Fridays, as the day is just that much sweeter. But today, today something wonderful happened that could be the reason I will be in a better mood all day long. 

I had just exited onto 61st and headed west towards Memorial. 61st usually angers me because for some odd reason, the far lane between Mingo and Memorial can sometimes on good days hit speeds in excess of 35 mph.  Do not be fooled, this is not traffic congestion, people just feel that this area of Tulsa can be a real “nightmare”. There is ABSOLUTELY no reason for this to be a hazardous area. Traffic never comes to a stop for someone turning, it’s never really THAT busy.  If I can remember this part of my commute every morning and have the ability to write about it, it must piss me off… And it does.

So as I’m traveling westbound on 61st going at a rate that would give a three toed sloth restless leg syndrome I look to notice a child standing in front of his house on a side road as if someone were picking him up for school. His mother is standing next to him waiting patiently as well.  Since I obviously wasn’t going anywhere quickly, to took note of this mother and son. 

Do you remember the early Michael Jackson videos where there is an actual storyline to the video and at just the right moment Michael breaks out in this ultrasonic dance that rattles the walls? This child, no older than 8, backpack on back, mom at side, throws this move down that stopped traffic. This kid dropped these moves, rewound, refilled, and doubled up the funkiest shit I had ever seen. The kids moves could stop global warming they were so ice cold. 

It may be the Starbucks bottled frappuccino drinks I’ve had, but I can’t quit shaking. A defining moment had come acrosss this kid, and he certainly defined the moment. I will no doubt have a drink for this kid. He obviously knows his calling in life.

None of us will ever be on this level. 

On a quick note, while you are reading this, I have just boarded my flight for the production of Vegas 3.0. Enjoy!

If you are already aware of what an upper decker is, this will be a treat. If you don’t, this will be a sweet treat.

Fall 2000- It was a warm Friday. The air conditioner was pathetic in my old Blazer. The party was on the north side of our town (note that it was a little out of place for me) but the hosts’ house that was hosting the typical high school weekend party were really hot.  Our town was larger than your everyday suburban town. When you graduate with around 1000 people, there is a good chance that you don’t know a fair chunk of people; especially if I was on the southern part of town partying on the other side.

On the way to the party a buddy and I had stopped at the new Taco Bueno. I ordered a bueno chilada (the SAME thing I’ve ordered there since I was a child) and we dined down as a last attempt to ward off any hunger spells that might cross us in the evening. Upon arrival the party was already unfolding. I had to park at the end of the block. Now my buddy was someone from North so he knew everyone immediately and I was still new to most of these people. He heads to the back yard and I sit at the kitchen table for some consumption games. The night wears on and I still only know about 5 people here. I start to get impatient because everyone is walking around with this undeserved sense of personal accomplishment. Like talking to a group of realtors.  Some of the people were athletes, some were spoiled beyond rich, and some were just scrappers, (luckily I wasn’t much of a “roughian, however, my buddy was).

Even as the night went on, I still didn’t have a whole lot in common with these people except maybe the whole friend of a friend relationship, and those are always awkward:

Me, “So you know (friend)

Friend of friend, “Yeah, he/she is awesome”

Me, “Yeah, I’ve had some crazy times with him/her”

Friend of friend, “Yeah, you should have known him/her as long as I have!”

Me, “……..fuck you.”

The party was “filling beyond fire code” and the hostess was starting to kick people out that she was not familiar with. This worried me because I was a threat… And on top of all of that, the Bueno was about to make an appearance.

Hostess, “I don’t know you, you need to leave.”

Me, “I need to use your bathroom…please”.

Hostess, “Well I guess you should have thought about that before.”

What the… Thought about what? Your random ability to deny me usage to your restroom because you feel the need to show off authority and banish me from your household in front of your friends? You BITCH…

She turned around and continued to filter through people that she felt were not worthy of her parents cheap ass house.

I, on the other hand, found my way into the hall bathroom…

I locked myself into the bathroom still upset from the poor attitude I had just received.  I knew I had to be quick in the bathroom because I did not want to jeopardize my dignity by some bitchy hostess picking a bathroom lock and exposing my “no bueno”bathroom visit.

I undid my pants, and it hit me quicker then the bueno did.

[This next piece is the definition of the upper-decker.  You remove the lid to the back tank on the toilet. Once removed, one stands on the toilet lid and removes pants to knees. Pending head clearance, prankster now defecates in tank. Replace lid and walk away. This is turn will stink and continuously recycle poopy water]

I quickly gave this bathroom one bueno of an upper-decker. And for the icing on the cake, I used the decorative hand towels as my personal toilet tissue. Once I replaced the decorative towels to their respected towel racks. I was out of the bathroom in and out of the bathroom in a few minutes. None the wiser.

I can only hope that the hostess of the party had tried plunging the toilet all next morning not understanding why this was happening. Putting the plunger up and drying her hands.

I look back now and feel kind of guilty for the stint.  I demoralized this bathroom for what? Cause the girl was being a disrespectful bitch?

Yes I did.

When these crazy urges for revenge come across me, it’s usually due to a fairly good amount of pent up frustration releasing itself on one persons parade.  Unfortunately, this was not her day to act like a pain in the ass bitch. I accepted the fact that I was not familiar to her home, as did I also accept that she wanted me to leave and not use her bathroom, but…

I guess a good closing for this is, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Can you think of a better proverb? Post it then… And it better be good, otherwise..

I decided to do this story last night as I was thinking of the awkward consequences of vacationing at the lake. This was great. We were camping at Keystone State Park, I like the atmosphere I suppose.  Stink’s family was out there so we posted tent up by them with a great view of the lake. This was my first time to camp at the lake since the infamous campsite number 3 incidents in 2000 that banned somewhere between 5-10 of us from camping in this town. But hey, when you’re in a tug of war match over a beer bong with lake patrol on the shore at 8 in the morning, it tends to leave a lasting taste in your mouth, like hot tequila or hooker saliva.

It was getting late on the Second night there and the girls that were with us were about to retire to their (our) designated tents when I caught my second wind and decided a midnight bar run was in my best interest. I think the sun has a large affect on my decision making abilities, or it was the sauce…  Yeah, I just turned down a beautiful girl for a bar run. I ended up on some house boat 2 hours later with a couple old college buddies when I determined that what was waiting in my tent probably wouldn’t be waiting much longer. I waited for shore and began my side-stepping journey back to this campsite in the center of a park the size of a town. The words lost, concussion, banjos, and sodomy was all that was on my mind.

I finally found me to the right path that led me to camp. I made it with my skull in one piece, my backside hole still proper, and my dignity intact. To no surprise the cute girl was asleep. I wasn’t in the mood of being a dick and trying to wake her so I decided that sitting up drinking sounded like a great time.

And so it turned out.

Some gar-faced old hag of a winch stumbled into our campsite and up to me. If anyone knows the person I am, I of course have to say hi or open some stupid window that surely leads to them talking about their whole life and me wishing I had narcolepsy.  She sits down and starts talking. Right off the back I could tell she was a backwoods cougar. Every guy that’s any guy knows that the only time you hunt cougar is in a dimmed area with your friends present for second opinions and escape strategies. I wasn’t even hunting this go-round. I was “bird watching when a gorilla cougar pounced my way”. I had to subdue this woman and get out with “it” in my pants and self-respect still intact.

“You sure are a cute one”

I said, “why thank you.”

“How bouts I take you down to the shore line and make a man outta ya?”

“I’d rather n…..ot”.

She began touching me inappropriately.  I began drinking faster.  She spoke of things she would let me do to her. I died a little more everytime she spoke. Everytime she spoke, it was as if she was attempting to make small talk but was unable to beat around the bush for too long. It was actually kind of hot IF a cute girl was doing it. This lady looked like her parents met at a family reunion.

I would try to talk, she would continue to talk slutty. I would make a reference to how good beer tastes. She would make references on how good she thinks I would taste.

I finally stated clearly, “Listen! I WILL NOT DO YOU!  Is that clear? You can just drop it!”

She said “if you kiss me I’ll quit.”

“No”

“It’s just a kiss”

“No.”

“I promise, I’ll leave you alone and won’t bother you for the rest of the night.”

I did a quick cost/benefit, if I kiss this old bag of whore, it’ll surely taste of vicodin and Marlboro’s.

But after she leaves I can wash it away with this case of beer.

Pucker up whore.

The moment I kissed her I heard muffled laughing and a thump. And it came from Stinks family camper. I pulled away and sent her on her way and quickly slammed beers and worked at repressing the memory (and I did a hell of a job until now).  The camper door flung open with Stinks sister and her friend who had been watching me the whole time.

“Phishr, you’re absolutely disgusting!”

They had no idea of the pact I made so i just gave them a brief “screw you” and took the jabs.  It was getting late/early so I decided to wander up to the bathrooms and head to bed.  As I’m walking this younger kid came running up behind me. I was first startled as my brown penny puckered up, then I realized that the kid was nothing to worry about until he spoke…

“My aunt thinks your hot and wants to do you, you want to?”

Yeah that’s right.

He was about 11 and he was trying to hook his aunt up.

He was his aunts wingman…

This is why we, as a state, get made fun of.

Warning: This is disgusting.

Summer of 2006 we were all drinking around the chimenea in Timmy Pot Poo’s (Tpp) back yard. As the night progressed we were out of fire wood and as normal people would do, we would climb the trees with saws and hang from branches sawing at the tree while balancing our beers.  We were making our way around the backyard working these trees over like thieving whores when I decided to hop the fence and round up limbs in the neighbors yard. I climb up this privacy fence and quietly breach the fenceline (read: got to the top and threw myself over), then before I can begin to pick up the mass amount of fallen limbs and twigs I note something staring at me.

It was a giant tram-pop-poline. It asked me if I wanted to come playfully break my limbs on it.

I agreed.

I yelled back over the fence to everyone about my new found discovery.

“ohmygodohmygodohmygod, comelookwhatifound!~!”

A few heads peaked over the fence. They immediately complied with the unspoken understanding that we were in fact, gonna jump on this until we can’t jump anymore. Little did I know that this was lifes way of foreshadowing tramatic events.

As we kindly asked permission to play on their springy fortress of fun (read: peaked through the windows to make sure they were REALLY out of town); we proceeded to jump. There were 4 of us, two jumping and two impatiently waiting their turn.  I was showing off my inability to land a drunkman flip when the unthinkable happened.

 thhhpptptptptptptptppthhhh.

I just had confetti ass on the trampoline.

“Guys, I just gambled and lost”.

I couldn’t tell if they were seizuring due to the humor associated with a grown ass man shitting himself on a trampoline or the actual disgusting feet I just accomplished in what has up to that point in life, already been one rollercoaster after another. 

I try to dismount off of this hopping poo trap without spreading my mess. Failure.

It’s quite similar to a fender bender escalating into a 20 car interstate pileup. You have already caused what would be a mishap in your day, now you try to keep it from ruining you. Well I was upside down in my watching the 18 wheeler of fuel, jack knife right at me.

“It’s… It’s all over me.”

The group of assholes offer no help

I get back to TPP’s front door and and remove my shoes (yeah.. that bad) and work my way to the bathroom.. Toilet paper and new drawers won’t cut it. I need running water… I ended up losing a pair of underwear, wearing soaking wet pants from where I had to clean them, some socks, and my dignity.

I guess cabbage guts don’t take the weekend off?