Phishr Chronicles

Stillwater with Stink couldn’t ask for a more insane mixture, even so because we hadn’t seen one another in months. I had completely decided for an all out Ted Kennedy-esque weekend. We had a football game, a round of drinking and some all out frat guy fun, and if we could be so lucky, a dead hooker in a bridge wreck. 

Upon arrival we started out slamming beers and introducing me to his place. We started the evening out with beers before we headed to the bars. The night was turning out quite uneventful. Every bar we went to was dead. Even though it was a Friday night, I expected a little more. I had an old roommate from Tahlequah that was living in Stillwater now so with nothing else exciting happening, I decided to call him. 

Now Gerbil was newly married and I hadn’t seen them since they lived in Tahlequah, so this was going to almost be like a reunion. When we arrived it was Gerbil, his wife, and 2 girls that they worked with, both of which were attractive. Stink and I were all grins. The night was calm with us playing drinking games, exchanging stories and drinking heavier. I stepped outside with one of the girls “cowgirl” where we started kissing a little. One thing lead to another and I was headed back to the 2 girls house. As we arrived back at their house when problem number one surfaced. These two girls explained how they just got this house, there was not too much furniture on the inside; if it were possible to get inside…

Cowgirl, “Oh damn, we’re locked out.. Is there anyway you can get in?”

The home had bay windows in the front and windows wrapping all the way around surrounded by a small rock garden. I went walking window to window looking for a window that was unlocked. I checked each one moving closer to the back yard. Almost to the backyard “Cowgirl” yelled at me.

“Come up here, all the windows are locked”.

“What do you want me to do then?”

She looked at me in all seriousness and firmly said, “break in”.

I’m not a criminal, I don’t know how to card a door, pick a lock or pull a garage door off a track. She said 2 words and those words allowed me to use any resources available to gain access to the property.

I picked up the biggest rock and threw it as hard as I could through a baywindow. One of those moments where you have the opportunity to stop, reevaluate the situation and take the higher rode that will lead to the best decision. I dropped it in fourth, popped the clutch and trenched the situation. And just when things couldn’t get worse…

I broke the rest of the glass around the window to be a gentlemen so Cowgirl wouldn’t cut herself climbing in. I pushed the broken glass to the corner and we proceeded to the back room. Now remember that there was nothing in the house so we used a mexican poncho on the wall as a blanket. After this moment things got pretty blurry but what happened the other morning will never leave my memory.

I’m awaken bright and early to Cowgirl.

“Quick! Hide! My roommates mom is here!”

I’m fuzzy headed still trying to gather where I’m at, where to hide, and where all of my clothes were.

I get up and hop in the bathroom quickly. As I sit naked on the corner of the tub, I decide to use the restroom…

You can already see where this is going…

“Ok! Ok! I’m just going to go tinkle” came from the other side of the door. The door opened.

I’m standing there naked using the restroom.

“Oh gosh no”.

I can hear her gasp.

I turned and did the only reasonable thing in this situation.

“Ohhh hiiii…..”

She slammed the door and I could hear her and her daughter fighting in the living room. I could only stand there and wait.

The front door finally slammed as I could distinctly remember hearing more glass fall to the ground.

After all was said and done, I guess the roommate told her mom that they caught someone trying to break into the house and that’s how the window was broken. I cannot see how she bought that being that both of these girls couldn’t weigh over 110 lbs. a piece.  And the only thing in the house was a mexican poncho and a sombrero. They probably coud have fiesta’d the perps to death…

I was looking through an old notebook from a Business class that I had next to this cute girl. We used to write back and forth in my notebook and I came across a funny one. It’s rather short so I thought I would add it.

When we wrote back and forth she would always ask the typical questions like, “what did you do over the weekend”, “what are your plans this week” and “come over and watch me try on my new lingerie”…

Ok I made up the first two.

Anyways I was telling her about a weekend that I ate at Red Lobster, the seafood place.

“I was at Red Lobster this weekend and my waitress obviously had a fake leg because she walked like a pirate. The food was a high C; low B at the best but I give the character authenticity an A+”.

If I were a girl I’d sure date me.

I don’t know if anyone out there does this, but can you identify one thing that just makes your day that much better. For some people it may be seeing their children, for others, it may be watching a rear end collision. It is that one moment that defines the day, and today being Friday, something pretty astonishing would have to catch my attention to divert the only thing I can think about… Stiff Drink Friday.

Yes today is the day I and a fellow neighbor of mine have dubbed Stiff Drink Friday. I am thrilled for Fridays, as the day is just that much sweeter. But today, today something wonderful happened that could be the reason I will be in a better mood all day long. 

I had just exited onto 61st and headed west towards Memorial. 61st usually angers me because for some odd reason, the far lane between Mingo and Memorial can sometimes on good days hit speeds in excess of 35 mph.  Do not be fooled, this is not traffic congestion, people just feel that this area of Tulsa can be a real “nightmare”. There is ABSOLUTELY no reason for this to be a hazardous area. Traffic never comes to a stop for someone turning, it’s never really THAT busy.  If I can remember this part of my commute every morning and have the ability to write about it, it must piss me off… And it does.

So as I’m traveling westbound on 61st going at a rate that would give a three toed sloth restless leg syndrome I look to notice a child standing in front of his house on a side road as if someone were picking him up for school. His mother is standing next to him waiting patiently as well.  Since I obviously wasn’t going anywhere quickly, to took note of this mother and son. 

Do you remember the early Michael Jackson videos where there is an actual storyline to the video and at just the right moment Michael breaks out in this ultrasonic dance that rattles the walls? This child, no older than 8, backpack on back, mom at side, throws this move down that stopped traffic. This kid dropped these moves, rewound, refilled, and doubled up the funkiest shit I had ever seen. The kids moves could stop global warming they were so ice cold. 

It may be the Starbucks bottled frappuccino drinks I’ve had, but I can’t quit shaking. A defining moment had come acrosss this kid, and he certainly defined the moment. I will no doubt have a drink for this kid. He obviously knows his calling in life.

None of us will ever be on this level. 

On a quick note, while you are reading this, I have just boarded my flight for the production of Vegas 3.0. Enjoy!

If you are already aware of what an upper decker is, this will be a treat. If you don’t, this will be a sweet treat.

Fall 2000- It was a warm Friday. The air conditioner was pathetic in my old Blazer. The party was on the north side of our town (note that it was a little out of place for me) but the hosts’ house that was hosting the typical high school weekend party were really hot.  Our town was larger than your everyday suburban town. When you graduate with around 1000 people, there is a good chance that you don’t know a fair chunk of people; especially if I was on the southern part of town partying on the other side.

On the way to the party a buddy and I had stopped at the new Taco Bueno. I ordered a bueno chilada (the SAME thing I’ve ordered there since I was a child) and we dined down as a last attempt to ward off any hunger spells that might cross us in the evening. Upon arrival the party was already unfolding. I had to park at the end of the block. Now my buddy was someone from North so he knew everyone immediately and I was still new to most of these people. He heads to the back yard and I sit at the kitchen table for some consumption games. The night wears on and I still only know about 5 people here. I start to get impatient because everyone is walking around with this undeserved sense of personal accomplishment. Like talking to a group of realtors.  Some of the people were athletes, some were spoiled beyond rich, and some were just scrappers, (luckily I wasn’t much of a “roughian, however, my buddy was).

Even as the night went on, I still didn’t have a whole lot in common with these people except maybe the whole friend of a friend relationship, and those are always awkward:

Me, “So you know (friend)

Friend of friend, “Yeah, he/she is awesome”

Me, “Yeah, I’ve had some crazy times with him/her”

Friend of friend, “Yeah, you should have known him/her as long as I have!”

Me, “……..fuck you.”

The party was “filling beyond fire code” and the hostess was starting to kick people out that she was not familiar with. This worried me because I was a threat… And on top of all of that, the Bueno was about to make an appearance.

Hostess, “I don’t know you, you need to leave.”

Me, “I need to use your bathroom…please”.

Hostess, “Well I guess you should have thought about that before.”

What the… Thought about what? Your random ability to deny me usage to your restroom because you feel the need to show off authority and banish me from your household in front of your friends? You BITCH…

She turned around and continued to filter through people that she felt were not worthy of her parents cheap ass house.

I, on the other hand, found my way into the hall bathroom…

I locked myself into the bathroom still upset from the poor attitude I had just received.  I knew I had to be quick in the bathroom because I did not want to jeopardize my dignity by some bitchy hostess picking a bathroom lock and exposing my “no bueno”bathroom visit.

I undid my pants, and it hit me quicker then the bueno did.

[This next piece is the definition of the upper-decker.  You remove the lid to the back tank on the toilet. Once removed, one stands on the toilet lid and removes pants to knees. Pending head clearance, prankster now defecates in tank. Replace lid and walk away. This is turn will stink and continuously recycle poopy water]

I quickly gave this bathroom one bueno of an upper-decker. And for the icing on the cake, I used the decorative hand towels as my personal toilet tissue. Once I replaced the decorative towels to their respected towel racks. I was out of the bathroom in and out of the bathroom in a few minutes. None the wiser.

I can only hope that the hostess of the party had tried plunging the toilet all next morning not understanding why this was happening. Putting the plunger up and drying her hands.

I look back now and feel kind of guilty for the stint.  I demoralized this bathroom for what? Cause the girl was being a disrespectful bitch?

Yes I did.

When these crazy urges for revenge come across me, it’s usually due to a fairly good amount of pent up frustration releasing itself on one persons parade.  Unfortunately, this was not her day to act like a pain in the ass bitch. I accepted the fact that I was not familiar to her home, as did I also accept that she wanted me to leave and not use her bathroom, but…

I guess a good closing for this is, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Can you think of a better proverb? Post it then… And it better be good, otherwise..

I decided to do this story last night as I was thinking of the awkward consequences of vacationing at the lake. This was great. We were camping at Keystone State Park, I like the atmosphere I suppose.  Stink’s family was out there so we posted tent up by them with a great view of the lake. This was my first time to camp at the lake since the infamous campsite number 3 incidents in 2000 that banned somewhere between 5-10 of us from camping in this town. But hey, when you’re in a tug of war match over a beer bong with lake patrol on the shore at 8 in the morning, it tends to leave a lasting taste in your mouth, like hot tequila or hooker saliva.

It was getting late on the Second night there and the girls that were with us were about to retire to their (our) designated tents when I caught my second wind and decided a midnight bar run was in my best interest. I think the sun has a large affect on my decision making abilities, or it was the sauce…  Yeah, I just turned down a beautiful girl for a bar run. I ended up on some house boat 2 hours later with a couple old college buddies when I determined that what was waiting in my tent probably wouldn’t be waiting much longer. I waited for shore and began my side-stepping journey back to this campsite in the center of a park the size of a town. The words lost, concussion, banjos, and sodomy was all that was on my mind.

I finally found me to the right path that led me to camp. I made it with my skull in one piece, my backside hole still proper, and my dignity intact. To no surprise the cute girl was asleep. I wasn’t in the mood of being a dick and trying to wake her so I decided that sitting up drinking sounded like a great time.

And so it turned out.

Some gar-faced old hag of a winch stumbled into our campsite and up to me. If anyone knows the person I am, I of course have to say hi or open some stupid window that surely leads to them talking about their whole life and me wishing I had narcolepsy.  She sits down and starts talking. Right off the back I could tell she was a backwoods cougar. Every guy that’s any guy knows that the only time you hunt cougar is in a dimmed area with your friends present for second opinions and escape strategies. I wasn’t even hunting this go-round. I was “bird watching when a gorilla cougar pounced my way”. I had to subdue this woman and get out with “it” in my pants and self-respect still intact.

“You sure are a cute one”

I said, “why thank you.”

“How bouts I take you down to the shore line and make a man outta ya?”

“I’d rather n…..ot”.

She began touching me inappropriately.  I began drinking faster.  She spoke of things she would let me do to her. I died a little more everytime she spoke. Everytime she spoke, it was as if she was attempting to make small talk but was unable to beat around the bush for too long. It was actually kind of hot IF a cute girl was doing it. This lady looked like her parents met at a family reunion.

I would try to talk, she would continue to talk slutty. I would make a reference to how good beer tastes. She would make references on how good she thinks I would taste.

I finally stated clearly, “Listen! I WILL NOT DO YOU!  Is that clear? You can just drop it!”

She said “if you kiss me I’ll quit.”

“No”

“It’s just a kiss”

“No.”

“I promise, I’ll leave you alone and won’t bother you for the rest of the night.”

I did a quick cost/benefit, if I kiss this old bag of whore, it’ll surely taste of vicodin and Marlboro’s.

But after she leaves I can wash it away with this case of beer.

Pucker up whore.

The moment I kissed her I heard muffled laughing and a thump. And it came from Stinks family camper. I pulled away and sent her on her way and quickly slammed beers and worked at repressing the memory (and I did a hell of a job until now).  The camper door flung open with Stinks sister and her friend who had been watching me the whole time.

“Phishr, you’re absolutely disgusting!”

They had no idea of the pact I made so i just gave them a brief “screw you” and took the jabs.  It was getting late/early so I decided to wander up to the bathrooms and head to bed.  As I’m walking this younger kid came running up behind me. I was first startled as my brown penny puckered up, then I realized that the kid was nothing to worry about until he spoke…

“My aunt thinks your hot and wants to do you, you want to?”

Yeah that’s right.

He was about 11 and he was trying to hook his aunt up.

He was his aunts wingman…

This is why we, as a state, get made fun of.