Phishr Chronicles

Karma is inevitable. It truly is funny how the universe unfolds. Many times I can think of how that ridiculous 5 letter word has impacted my life. As a matter of fact, I could write powder room literature for a living on karma.  But one story really makes me laugh every time I think of it…

I believe I was in early high school when I began dating this cute little blond. She was typically ditsy yet attractive. Christian yet high maintenance.  Sexy yet prude. Everyone knows one.

Anyways, with my buddies at lunch, we would always get our same 2 to 3 restaurant style tables and have lunch while giving each other hell.  When one of the guys began dating someone new, it was always custom for the girl (with her friends) to migrate to our general area. The girlfriends typically sat next to said “significant other” while the guys typically backed up their fellow friend.  This girl I was with was generally quiet however she would now and again make small talk/opinions/insults that were relevant to said topic. 

Back in this time I was just coming to hate (and still do) going to the barber. I suppose it was around this time that I found it hard to understand the difficulty of cutting hair with one length guard on top, shaving the sides and bleaching the absolute fuck out of it.  One way or another, every guy still looked like abnormal douche bags.  I guess I had tried cutting my hair for the first time and as usual, absolutely mangled the top of my head.

Nothing looked right.  Whatever, I’ll just burn bleach it and none the wiser.

Wrong. The next morning I arrived at school and girlfriend of course, took one look at my head and unleashed the jokes. That woman sunk her teeth in.  So naturally I’m self conscience for the rest of the day. You know that feeling? When you think everyone is noting the “terrorist attack” you call a haircut all day but you were unable to do anything about it? That was me up until lunch.

When lunch arrived, of course, girlfriend started making stupid remarks which REALLY pissed me off because she drew attention for my asshole friends. Let the feeding frenzy begin.  By this time I’m so angered with her that I avoid her, ignore her, and hurry about the day until I can get home and fix it.  I remember looking in the mirror saying to myself, “this isn’t even bad?! Just a little touch up here and there! What a bitch!”

I show up to school the next day with my revamped hairdo expecting to see girlfriend and have her yell at me for not calling her or returning any of her pages.

First period. No sign.

Second period. Not there.

Third Period. Nope. 

When lunch came around I finally saw her staring at me from the distance. I figured “lets get this over with…”

As I approached her she didn’t look happy, as assumed.

Then I noticed it.

“HOLY SHIT SHE’S MISSING A WHOLE SECTION OF HAIR!”

I laughed straight in her face. You know the payback laughs? This was it, mixed in a strainer with a 2 shots of “boy it sucks to be you” and a dash of “you totally had it coming”… She just turned and walked away. I would have too though. It was pretty humiliating

Obviously I quit talking to her. What? It wasn’t like we were serious? Besides, we didn’t have much in common… Well, except for the bald spots…

You’re probably curious what happened. Here goes.

Come to find out after school the day before she went to her equestrian or something and the horse went bonkers and ran under a low tree and kind of “swept her” off it’s back. She had to go get stitches in her scalp and doing so they had to shave a part of her head.  No wonder she was paging me…

I did it. I’ve had another epiphany. Except it just kept going…

And you all who know me well will begin to read this and quit when you’re half way into it.  That’s fine.. Just goes to show how you can’t handle truth.  Roast?

After a while, it begins to get difficult to find topics that EVERYONE can relate to besides relationships.  AND to all of you who say “I would never take relationship advice” that’s fine.  However, just to let you know, I’ve been there and back in the dating scene… Many times.  And to watch the people who used to “criticize” and give one “advice” on how to fix it… Well you my friend are stupid.  It didn’t work, and just to think, it’s the same thing you keep telling yourself everyday when he/she walk all over you etc… Ouch?

Just like a high school girl loading on the makeup, wearing more mature clothes, dating older men, there is one thing for sure, no matter how different she looks, that ass will get you 10-12 in no time.  Just like that embarrassment you call your relationship. As much as you coat it, make it look pretty, and gloat about it.. You’re still screaming yourself to sleep at night.

ANYWAYS, back to the epiphany.  Cheating.  I love it.  Hang with me here.  I was just asked by a friend on one of those silly “answer the questions and send back to me”. You know the teenage ones that have 49 pointless filler questions and the 1 do you like me question.  I was asked “Would you cheat”.  Pretty simple right? Not hardly. Yes I would cheat.  I’ve cheated before, I’d cheat again, and I would want the girl to walk in midstroke and run away crying.

Ok, now before you come unhinged and attempt to collect a metaphorical ton of hatred upon me hear this.  I would only cheat when you treat me like shit, trash my gifts I buy you, disrespect me in front of yours and my friends, flirt with other guys/girls, try to absolutely control me (big no-no), etc. AND you would have to do these to an alarming magnitude and together.  I DO have a soul; I know that sometimes you will do this.
Oh but does that not sound fair? What’s stopping you from doing his too? I’d want you to do this, because if I ever treated you like stated, I want you to break my heart in a terrible way.

Now is there ever a time when cheating is NOT acceptable? Yes! Follow Me!

1. Drunk.
You are being trusted? If I’m not trusted drinking with my friends (only safe haven) then I’d lose my mind. Drunk isn’t an excuse. Quit trying to lie to yourself… This is the foundation to becoming a compulsive liar. Heathen.

2. Area Code.
Different area code? Same lame ass movie line you try to live by without understanding in your feeble mind that IT”S A MOVIE. IT”S CALLED ACTING.

3. Better looking than current sig. other.
Then why is your loser ass with them in the first place? If you’re so hot, why do you have a sig. other?

4. Different Sex.
Seriously? Most likely your sig. other would want in.  Not me.  If I’m with someone, that’s it. That someone and I.  Besides, Gay is ok. Straight is ok. But both at the same time, go to a shrink.
*Women want gay guys. If gay guys want those women also, you might as well get the Kleenex out, loner.

5. Sig. other said it was ok.
To get your ass out of the house so she can roll your b.f.f…. dumb.a.

6. Would never have the opportunity again.
HA! Now you’re gonna have ALOT of opportunities… Ya know… Without that pesky girlfriend.

7. It just happened.
You know what else JUST happens? The clap.

8. MARRIAGE.
WHY? Is she not the same person she used to be? Should have DATED her cake eating ass a little longer and not rushed such a serious commitment. Dumbshit… Cheat on a girl/boyfriend and the relationship ends (hopefully).  Cheat on a spouse; you’re an adulterer/adulteress.  That’s the difference between jaywalking and rape; to you criminals out there.

WARNING: How I really feel. If you’re not agreeing so far. Just stop.
*I have 0% sympathy for divorces today. I’d say a hefty 65% of you people make me sick.  I don’t know, it might just be me but last time I checked, marriage was kind of a sacred thing.  If there is a hell, I sure hope that tempting little vixen at the end of the bar is worth it.  LET IT WAIT. So many of you act like marriage won’t be there tomorrow morning when you wake up. WELL IF YOU”RE AFRAID OF THAT- MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE GETTING MARRIED? Last time I checked, love is forever, I enjoy being young and free and divorce is, well… How should I put this…? UNBELIEVABLY EXPENSIVE? Well not for her, because she probably has all of your income when it is said and done.
But Matt? How can you put a price on love?
I’m not. I’m educating the costs of divorce.

To sum that above up.  There should be laws on marriage. Cause it affects everyone.  Trust me; I’ll be paying your WIC or welfare sooner or later. Go ahead and focus on your future so I won’t have to. Then you can make as many ignorant mistakes as you desire!
Just for all this, I know I’ll be blessed with a cheating wife, a group of black babies (figuratively), and a house I’ll be fighting for in a courtroom.  Stupid karma…

In conclusion, cheating is how to get out of a relationship in the meanest way possible. Meaning it is like a weapon.  Ever heard the saying, “Never point a weapon unless you fully intend on using it”? Well cheating as a weapon, this applies as well.  Never play the cheat weapon unless it is a last resort.  But if it does come down to using cheating, shoot to kill…

A few more rules for after the cheat has been performed.
-Be sure it is no strings attached SEX.  You’ll thank me later.
-You cheated for one sole purpose.  Go straight to significant other and confess.  They must be the first one to know, otherwise it conflicts validity. I promise.
-Be sure to think of clever way to explain, if it’s the stinker finger, the “come here and watch this”, or a simple coy remark, i.e.- announce you’ve been in a wreck, you rear ended someone. Then replace “a wreck” with “one of your friends”, or whatever. Be sure to be funny though.  This story has to hold water and friends do like to test said holding capability.
-Don’t screw yourself over.  Be sure to check all scenarios, exits, other routes.
-Be prepared for significant other to confess to tomfoolery as well. Don’t believe her? Ask Tom himself…
-After a hard day of sleeping with your significant others friend, be sure to celebrate with closest friends at local establishment.  RULE! First rounds on you, you dragged them up to brag, you pay.
-AND FINALLY If you cannot get anyone to sleep with you besides her (even if) give up. You are officially owned. Sorry.

From me to you, happy cheating! I hope your conscience knows its role!

This only happens to me.  It’s like I just attract this attention
The funniest most off the wall ice breaking/pick-up line ever used on me occured on a night out at the local pub. I was approached from behind by a cute blonde that whispered in my ear, “I’m a size 4 waist with 36 F’s. 
I was speechless. 
Very surreal..

Most of you girls out there would probably come right out and say “What a slut! Does she have no morals or respect?”

You must be insecure/jealous about something..

Automatically I thought in a semi-alcohol stupor who would say that as well.  How many of you guys have heard this before? 1? Liar. Or how many girls have had a guy say… well nevermind, Imagine a cute guy approaching you and whispering the most sexually attractive thing in your ear to make you lose your cool. (In a hot way).  It happened to me. 

It was difficult to quit thinking about those 5 words and 2 numbers.  “I have to talk to her, that is probably the most awesome woman I have ever came across”.  Who is really that confident about their spur of the moment actions.. (Quit pointing at me) I bet a lot of you think you are, but let me tell you, when life hands you lemonades you accordinate.  When I get handed lemons, (or in this case watermelons) I see me under center with 2 clicks left down by 5 and attempt to dissect the defense in order to win.

….When I’m sober….

Me “Sorry I keep poking you with my stick, (playing pool, funny) hi, I’m Matt
Her “Hi, I’m [name]
Me “Oh how easy, thats my moms name..

 fuck…

Did my drunk ass seriously say that.  Yes I did.  I completely compared her to the giver of life herself.. Nice..

Luckily I made the save, or so it still seemed.  But when it came right down to it… No wait… Screw that!  You drink from 2 til midnight at the bar and try to hold a civilized conversation while maintaining your coherence to a complete stranger with huge breasts.. Thats what I thought, shut up.

Thank god I’m a buttguy anyways…