Phishr Chronicles

I have this grudge with this character. I didn’t like him on my favorite show in middle sch…errr…. now. He has always been a curly haired schmuck, but after my first run in with him, I have now determined that this is more than a grudge. It’s a reckoning.

Evertime I see his face my eyes get squinty, a grit my teeth and my fists ball up as I say “Lopez….”

I met this cute little brunette at a bar while I was playing video poker. She was funny, sexy, and 21 that day. I could have lost all my money and still hit the jackpot. Her rich parents paid for her to have a blowout party and had her name on lists all over Vegas. After shooting the stuff with her I got her number and planned to meet her at Rain in The Palms later that night. We ended up going back to the hotel where I knocked down some drinks and got ready. 

That night we showed up about 2 hours late…. And tore up.  When we arrived we were standing in line because I didn’t know any better. Stevo reminded me that we were VIP and we could move to the front.  I stumbled up to the door guy and told him my name. He waved some bouncers over and they escorted us into the club. The inside of this place was massive. A fire machine was shooting fireballs above everyones head. Unfortunately, there were guidos everywhere.  The music was deafening and the drunken girls were flowing like the Mississippi. I immediately knock out four or five drinks and try to find my brunette princess.

I order another shot and walk around the whole club.

I cannot find her so I order another shot.

 By now I’m starting to use other people as a method of balance. Image a 5 year old at a bowling alley who is using the bumpers, how the ball makes 12 cross lane trips before it knocks out the back 7 pin, that was my style at the moment.  I was knocking people over falling into them. I looked like a frosted piece of materialistic shit.  It was great.

 I finally bump into her, she is with a table of girls. She starts demanding shots from me. Being that it was late and I was torn up drunk, i agree. By this point I still have a chance for redemption. I go up to order shots.

“I’ll have 2 vodBLUFFFFFFF!!”

Have you ever seen the clip of Chris Webber losing the 1993 NCAA championship game by calling a timeout that Michigan didn’t have? I blew it on a scale that rivaled that. Why?

I have just yummied all over the top of the bar.

In my mind, I’m the only one that noticed. In reality, I’m sure 400 people saw this. I threw up the whole weekends worth of a liquid diet.  It was awful. I quickly grab Stevo and tell him that it would be in our best interest that we leave now on our own two feet rather than be thrown out on all fours. We get out to the main floor and I explained to him how I just projectile vomited all over the bar. He laughs hard as I try to score a hand full of breath mints from him.

We wander over to GhostBar. Once again, front of line, escort up. I thought about the situation briefly. This girl put us on her VIP birthday list and I completely blew her off, never bought her a single drink, hit on her friends and went about using this little VIP pass as much as possible. Yes, I felt a little guilty, I mean I completely took advantage of this cute girl on her 21st birthday.

Screw it, at this point I’m 55 floors up on a glass platform overlooking Vegas at night and the skirts were short and the vodka was flowing. For that brief moment, we were unstoppable. We leave and go check out the Playboy Club. We pass “all the peasants” as we stroll up to the rope. I think in my mind, “all we gotta do is drop the name and he will let us continue to the final stretch of paradise.”

The bouncer says, “Sorry guys, No VIP please, step aside for a moment then I will get to you”.

I get extremely mad. Maybe i should let this guy know who he is talking too!

I blurt out, “ARTCHOOGOIUNTOOLETMEEIN?!”

He smiles and says, “please step aside.”

Just as I smell a jerry curl people start going crazy in line.

The eyes got squinty.

 I turned around, and he was standing behind me. 

“LOPEZ…”

They were making me step aside so “Pet tricks” Lopez can cruise right in front me. I am mad. He is taking pictures and moving along at his own slow ass pace. The sooner he gets through that rope, the sooner I can be pounding vodka, staring at bunnies and pickin’ fights with people named Lopez.

“Come On Lopez! Hurry Up!”

I assume this angers people.

By now Stevo is cracking up because I am now saying pretty mean stuff. I cannot get over this. Stevo decides he wants some of Lopez too, so he grabs ahold of me like he is restraining me and yells over to Lopez,

“DON’T FUCK WITH HIM DUDE, I HEAR HE WRESTLED FOR BAYSIDE HIGH!!!”

Everyone erupts in laughter. I think that what we have done was what would inevitably be the reason that the bouncer chose not to let us in.  The night ended as usual when Stevo and I are trashed around each other, we disrespected hookers, trashed a hotel room, and ordered $50 worth of pizza and greasy buffalo wings just to tell the order lady that I was going to marry her. She asked if I wanted bleu cheese. My response?
“I want a disturbing amount of bleu cheese, seriously honey, If bleu cheese was a hooker, i’d totally get nasty with her”

What? It was 6 A.M. Sunday morning. Why not.

And yes, you can tell she hooked the bleu cheese up…

My favorite is the Crown lid in the pizza box.

I just get so excited with the revelations that transpire regarding this family.

So here’s where we begin. Lynne Spears, mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn has finished her recent literature on helpful parenting. book

This is wonderful. As you know, Britney is well… yeah.

http://freebiesblog.net/media/celebs/britney/britney_baby04.jpg

The only hope for the family to save the Spears name rest on the shoulders of 16 year old Jamie. I’m NOT going to badmouth her (unlike her sibling Britney) but seriously? The LAST thing this family needed was an unplanned teenage pregnancy… Read more

Ahhh… The age of the superstar, the idol, the media icon. “Normals” want to date them, or be compared to them all in an attempt to be more like them or their lifestyle. These people are who they are because it is what their publicist says or even better, how the media portrays them.

I have always known that MTV had a large part in this.

M-T-V; The age 10-30 multi diversity conglomerate. Congratulations to them for their conquest of the brainwaves of any young adult of any diversity, of any region, of any culture, of any “clique” all over the world. I, for one, refuse to devote any part of my day to any program that first off, lost all track when the music videos were only being played at 3 a.m. and devote more time to the manipulation of the brainwaves through the airwaves (sound familiar? IT’S CALLED PROPAGANDA). We see these “stars” have it all, seen it all, done it all in the world. Nobody understands that they haven’t spoken for themselves since the day prior to signing their life away. And when they DO speak for themselves, have you heard the senseless gibberish that comes out of that hole in their face? From “George Bush hates black people” to “I get to go to a lot of overseas places, like Canada”.
I know I will get a vast amount of responses that say “you’re just jealous of them” or It’s cause they make more money than you” well if so let me clear that up. I will never be jealous of someone, unless that jealousy stems due to a wonderful deed, in which case, yes, who wouldn’t want to take the place of someone in a heroic act? And quite frankly, just because they make more money doesn’t mean they control it. Any purchases made that could influence them in another way through the publics eye MUST go through a publicist or an agent in order too not obstruct the “image” they have to maintain. You call them rich; I call them powerless, a puppet, and a pawn.

Ever get bored? Study into the actual lifestyle of a social icon! No wonder they write all those after-the-life novels about no one caring, feeling empty, drug addiction, and suicide. It’s their last grasp at fame! And when they begin to realize that still no one cares, they kill themselves or go into rehab. Why not? It’s the perfect closing chapter to the empty story they call life.
Too bad intelligence doesn’t make you look better in the Medias eye.

But what I am getting too is something that I enjoy so dearly when it happens to these “social icons” per say. The great fall from stardom. Absolutely funny. The beginning of the end as someone might say. When the drug habit goes public or when the hair clippers come out… Ahhh yes, Britney “take a hit one more time” Spears.
This has been a funny one. Since her and her booger sugar buddies have polluted my news waves with their cries for attention and more publicity, I have long waited this one…
Remember when this floozy was once said to be the “perfect icon for the typical teenage girl and not that whore Aguilera”. My oh my, for once the cage got shook. As I logged online today I had received several links to this video clip of a not-so-in shape, disoriented, lip syncing cow trying to grasp at what might be left of a good name for herself by parading (see: half stupor) around stage and murmuring chants like some fiend high off of a 3 day free-base binge. I smiled. I still can’t believe someone lets her raise children, I’d have better results giving a child to Michael Jackson (at least they would go to a carnival everyday and not be the responsible one to drive). Did you see the crowd reactions when she was center stage? Priceless.

So I have devised a checklist of how to know when that bright star you call yourself is turning into a black hole.

• Rehab check-in become as frequent as vacations. (They even have a rehab spa!)
• The only tabloid pictures are of you neglecting your children.
• You neglect your children
• *cough* child neglecter *cough*
• You’re so high when you get out of the car; the world gets a glimpse of your birth canal.
• When the world finally does see it, all the guys cringe.
• Half of which don’t believe it is what it is
• Your new best friends are recognized by the amounts of blow and blowing they do
• Your friend is Paris Hilton
• Seriously, do you think anybody would trust her with a multibillion dollar establishment?
• Your other friend’s hobbies include an 8-ball of coke and high speed joyrides
• Sex tape? Uh-oh, you betcha!
• Worth watching? Probably not!
• You married a back-up dancer oblivious to the fact you’re gonna get used.
• The only way your spouse can hit it off is by rapping (terribly)
• Than on top of that… He leaves you!
• Oh yeah, Mr. Dumb as a pole great white hype; is likely to win the custody battle
• Custody Battle? More like custody no-brainer
• You shave your ugly mug and cry about your parents not loving you!
Dream on hooker! You did this to yourself! So I found something suitable for this situation.

My prediction of what’s to come for Madam Spears (in no particular order)
• After album flops, so does idolism.
• Clinic within a year
• Book within 3 years
• Clinic within 3 years also
• Attempt at a return tour
• Fails
• Moves to Miami (they all seem to go there, must have free buffets)
• That E! THS remake on her life.
• No royalties
• Remember that tie she wore in that one performance? It’s used to keep her body up in the closet of her hotel room. Percocet and empty gold paint cans found strewn about.
• Jessica Simpson plays Britney in the made for TV movie entitled “Britney”
• Poor reviews
• Remembered as that “one chick girl that used to be really hot, ya know? Before all that stuff…”
• Linked to Clinton and some “Happy Birthday remix”. Cigars not present…
The joys of Stardom… We can only dream.