Phishr Chronicles

Stink and I took another journey to Keystone for 4th of July 2008. It was a calm weekend filled with food, a steady pace of drinking and a 9 year old friend of the family that turned my night into, well, a story…

On the way back from the beer store, Stink is talking about the difficulties of going over bumpy roads on motorcycles.

9 year old, “My dad hit this road on his motorcycle that had like… 20 potholes in it.

It was quiet after that.

9 year old, “It was FUCKING bumpy…”

We were in tears and awww…

That day this kid continued to splash lake water in my beer (which didn’t stop me but might explain why my chest still hurts 4 days later) and throw mud at us. I wanted to challenge him to a duel, but he always would revert back to something funny which in turn would keep his death imminent.

I noticed that the more I drank, the more adult sense of humor would revert back to elementary sense of humor.  A quick example would be how Stink finally retaliated and dumped soupy mud/sand all over the top of the kids head. He replied, “ewww… it’s like diarrhea all over my head”. I would laugh because he was so vulgar it was shocking. Then night fell and the conversations began.

This kid probably sat up with us until 4 a.m. discussing some weird stuff.

9 year old, “Whats your favorite Gangland episode?”

me, “….?”

9 year old, ” I think I liked the crips episode, that tooky guy was huge”.

me, “*long pause* That one was good, did you see the one with MS13 or the nazi lowriders?”

9 year old, “Yeah! Whats a boot party?”

me, “It’s a stompdown, I’ll tell you more some other time…”

Remember that this kid is 4th or 5th grade. He does not appear out of the ordinary.

9th grader on clowns.

9y.o., “shits scary, have you ever seen the movie ‘IT’?”

me, “lalalalalalalalala, we’re not talking about that!!! lalalalala”

9y.o., “yeah, that’s some scary shit…”

9 Year Old on alcohol.

9y.o., “What kind of beer are you drinking? I got drunk for the first time when I was 3!”

me, “spewing beer out of my mouth”

stink, “JESUS! WHAT THE HELL DUDE?”

9 Year old on pets.

9y.o., “I would want a monkey, except they poo everywhere…”

me, “they say that monkeys are the carrier for aids…”

9 Year old on basketball

9y.o., “I don’t know who I like more, Shaq or Magic.”

me, “they say Magic is the carrier for aids…”

Stink, “Tommy Morrison too, they are clean now, like it went away through treatment.”

9 Year old on his own mom

9 year old pulls picture of his mom out, “she’s real pretty but she’s kinda thick..”

Stink and I laugh hysterically

9 Year old on music

9y.o. “My favorite bands are Hank Williams Jr. and Slipknot”

me, “…How? Why?”

Stink, “That makes no sense kid”

9 Year old on rap music

9y.o. “Because 2pacs crew killed biggie.”

Stink, “What about EazyE?”

me, “He had aids too.”

 CONCLUSION

Including other subjects that were completely off the wall, I’d say that the night was a success.  I learned:

-What a Banshee was (now I have ANOTHER creature to scream myself to sleep about)

-I learned that Blair Witch wasn’t a real movie based on actual events(oh piss on you, it looked real)

-The Shining will always be the scariest movie… Ever…

-Little kids can throw up if you scare them bad enough

-Tombstone the movie will never get old no matter how many times in a row you watch it

-Goat cheese is good on tostitos after drinking all day,

-And that I have finally come to terms with accepting the fact that I was just not assembled by god in a way to perform on anything that drags behind a boat.
 

When we were freshman in high school, Skeet moved to Muskogee for a year because his mom got a house in an inheritance. Well every now and again Treez, Stevo an I would travel down there to go party and watch Skeet’s bro terrorize animals because he was a screwed up kid. I won’t talk about those stories but the stories from the parties are fun

1st trip to Muskogee

We first get there and meet two of Skeet’s friends, the Bunch and Seizure. One of them has pot, Treez and I liked Pot. We smoked. Later Treez grabs Seizure’s soccer bag and goes hiking in a quest for mass quantities of alcohol. Stevo, Skeet and I go hiking for mass quantities of girls. We find them and they know Skeet. We bring them back to Skeet’s house and about 2 hours later we see Treez stumbling around. He told us tales of walking a couple of miles and playing hey mister at a gas station. He purchased 5 cases of Red Dog and Ice House. Now for those of you who don’t remember those two beers they came in 18 packs and they were not so much like a nectar of the gods but more like piss. But we were 15 and did not care. Well Treez was covered in mud up to his thighs because he said he walked through some kind of make shift marshland.
Well we commenced drinking and figuring out which girls we were going to mess around with. There were 5 girls and 4 guys at this point so we call Seizure back over to take one of them. I take the one that has the biggest boobs, Treez takes the skinny semi-cute one, Stevo takes the pale black haired one and Skeet gets the tall girl probably because he’s the biggest guy. Seizure gets the ugly one. 

Then the fun started, I took Big Boobs McGee to her S-10 Blazer and start to have relations with her. It was fun, I think we broke one the shocks. All the other guys messed around to only in various ways and none got as far as I did. Well that night ended and we went back to Broken Arrow the next day.

In between trips a week before we went down there, the girls called my personal phone and left this message,

 ”Stink, Treez, Stevo, these are your Muskogee women… We heard ya’ll were coming down here this weekend and we can’t wait to see you.”

That was the whole message.

2nd Trip to Muskogee

We meet up with Skeet, Seizure and Bunch again. Then the girls came over. Yea you know what we were thinking. We were going to try and get something really kinky and crazy going on. It never happened of course. Well it was new girls b-day and she had a joint that someone gave her. I said let’s smoke it. She said I could get it after she had two hits. I got it and Treez goes, “Kill It Stink”. So I took all but a little roach of her b-day joint and handed it back to her.

She was not pleased but I was high and didn’t care.
So we got more beer and got drunk but this time none of us got any from any of the girls. I think we might have gotten to drunk and stoned and made them mad.

3rd Trip to Muskogee

Skeet’s 16th B-day.

What a wonderful day that was. This time it was at his dad’s house instead of his mom’s. We got beer and the girls to come over. We obviously started out proper by getting completely obliterated. The girls lined us up and wanted to see who has the firmest but so we flexed and they felt. Then we were asked to see who had the biggest dong so we showed them.

It was a little strange.
So the night keeps progressing and we start trying to hook up. We get the same girls we did the first time. Stevo starts hooking up with Vampira, so named because she would only stay in the dark. She tells him, don’t worry I shaved.

Yeah right.

He sticks his hand in her pants and it’s something reminiscent of a 1970’s porn bush. Later on Stevo went to McDonald’s with Vampira and while waiting in the drive-thru he fondled her boobs and she stroked his penis. She ordered a bunch of food and Stevo asked why she was ordering so much food. Vampira notified him that she was ordering the food for her boyfriend that she was meeting after she dropped him off…
Skeet goes to his bedroom only to be blocked by Treez walking in on him trying to hit it. Treez comes to me and asks for a condom in his attempt at trying to get some. I take Big Boobs McGee to the back of Skeet’s dad’s SUV and she says we can’t have sex so she tugs me off and it actually worked. She left and there was one girl that didn’t have a guy because there were 5 of them and only 4 of us.

I felt bad for her so I started hooking up with her.

Her friend that Treez was trying to hook up with caught wind of this and said if I took her friend’s virginity, she would kill me. That settled it for Treez though.

His girl wasn’t going to do anything because she wanted to make sure I didn’t have sex with her friend.

So I took her to the other side of a Jeep parked in the street. I laid on the ground and she starts giving me a hummer right there in the middle of the street. They could hear her slurping from 20 feet away.

I hope she has kids and they are reading this.

Then a car started to drive by and I had to get up and then we went to the back yard. Well after time Vampira and the other’s left us.
About an hour after the girls had left us Skeet had to poop.

This wasn’t your ordinary lunchbreak bowel movement. 

It was a poop so messy because of all the booze and enchiladas we had that day that I don’t think the Muskogee HAZMAT team would have been able to contain the demons that sprayed out of his tailpipe. He used almost a full roll of toilet paper and still managed in his drunken stupor to smear poodoo all over his hand. After he noticed his fecal matter on his hand, he did what any guy trying to salvage, what little, if any amount of integrity and dignity he might still possess. 
He rolled directly into the shower for a carwash.

While he was in the shower Stevo and Treez and I devised a plan to throw ice cold water on Skeet. He screamed like a little girl but little did we know this would be the start of the most epic shaming I have ever been apart of.
Treez went and passed out on Skeet’s bed with his shoes on.  For any rookies to the game of binging, this is a free opportunity to shame.

A mixture of about 50 spices, eggs, pickles and other things were used in one of the worst shamings I have ever seen. It looked like a big pile of the same chum that Quint threw overboard to lure the shark in JAWS. Skeet got his infamous rage that he gets when drunk.  And this time it was for Treez walking in on him while he was trying to get some. Skeet first started slapping Treez across the face but it was to his dismay, that it did no good with Treez being in the drunken coma state that he was.
Skeet then came up with the most unthinkable acts of barbarism ever to be thought of during a shaming. We don’t know exactly how he devised this plan in his drunken rage but it was absolutely without a doubt the most revolting way to end a night that I can think of. Skeet put a porno in the DVD player, primed himself up, got out a bottle of lotion and finished one off all over Treez’ body. Treez awoke sometime after this but was too drunk to comprehend anything.

Treez asked for water.

Stevo gave him a bottle of The World’s Most Dangerous BBQ Sauce.

Treez, apparently neandrathal drunk, tried to chug what he thought was waer but instead he spit it up all over himself. Treez went to the bed of Skeet’s truck to lay down. We thought it would be polite to hose Treez off with a jug of diluted sticky pickle juice.  

A simple moral to this story might be something like don’t cockblock a friend and pass out first.

 I personally think it should be “stay the fuck out of Muskogee.”

Don’t you wish you had friends like this..

When I was in college in Tahlequah (No State), Stink was attending Stillwater (Ok State). As usual I would go there to party with him, as he would come to Tahlequah and do the same.  A few weeks after visiting him I had just got out of class and some of the guys and I were headed to this restaurant called Vidalias that served sandwiches and Mad Dog coneys.  As we were ordering lunch Stink was just getting out of class and called me out of the blue.

Stink,” Hey man, are you free, we need to talk.”

Me, “Yeah man, whats up?”

Stink, “Rememebr that blonde girl that you hooked up with down here a while back?”

Me, “HAHA, why, whats the deal?”

Stink, “She’s HIV positive”

I was speechless. I started trying to recall everything I did… Which was difficult because the past several times I went to Stillwater, I didn’t rememeber half the trip.

Stink, “I know dude.. She just told me.. I’m sorry man.  You wore one right?”

You know that feeling you get when someone tells you that someone close to you has died. That first feeling of emptiness and insignificance.  I was drowning in that.

The rest of the afternoon, I ignored everyone at the table. The outside world was nonexistent.  I could hear my heart beating up my chest and out of my mouth. 

“Who was this girl? I’m not really remembering any blondes? I hooked up with a girl at a bar but I didn’t go home with her?”  “When did this happen?”

I threw my food away and walked out with the guys. I sent Stink a text

“How could this happen?”

He replied back

 ”It didn’t happen. But I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko..”

 ”DAMNIT STINK DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU JUST DID TO ME!”

I’ve never rode an emotional rollercoaster that scary. I almost poopoo’ed on the sidewalk.

Jerkass. Actually typing this just made me realize how pissed I am at him.

I have decided to write about my favorite moments of my buddies in a new segment entitled “Crew”. We will add to this as time goes.  I think Stink will enjoy this one as well.

Treez Nudz-

Treez is quite the guy. Someone that would be there in a phone call IF he would pay his phone bill. The only way to get ahold of the guy is to find him in public. Treez is always in one of two places, bed or bar. Treez does not know nor does he care where you are. Treez negotiates with no one. 

Some interesting things about Treez:

-He has had the same truck (White Rebel) since he learned to drive.

-Treez has looked like he was 42 since he was 15.

-Treez does indeed have a “winter coat”. His hide is often sheared and sold to sherpas in Nepal.

-I’m pretty confident that for a span of 2 years, Treez used to drive around with a warm case of beer, snuff, a shitty fishing pole, and jigs. he would “stumble upon” random fishing holes, back his pickup to the bank of these fishing holes, and fish ALL DAY.

- Copy the above story and replace fishing equipment with beer bongs and packs of buy 2 get 1 free cigarettes.

-Now take that story and replace beer bongs and buy 2 get 1 free packs of cigarettes with cards and poker gear, and that’s what he did for the next 2 years.

-Now fast forward another 2 years and replace cards and poker gear with pool cue and rolls of quarters and that’s what he’s been up to recently..

Treez is not at all difficult to understand. He lives probably the most nonchalant carefree lifestyle. When I retire, I wanna be just like him.  You can spot him with his fishok.com/Green Bay/fraternity/poker.com shirts anywhere. He likes his women like he likes his truck; white, dirty, beat the hell up, and missing shit… But dependable.
My fondest memory of Treez was a Monday night after our fraternity meeting. Coming from a nice, clean, rich town; Tahlequah was basically our first experience of “back-asswards” life.  I never met a panhandler until I moved there. We would go to this old bar called “The Cubby Hole” shoot pool and drink at this place because at the time, we weren’t of “legal age” however that town is still in the 1800’s so it didn’t matter. “Chicken-heads” frequented this establishment in record numbers. But this one that approached us that night stood out. She wasn’t ugly by any standards, as a matter of fact, she would have made for quite the fixer-upper. However, years of prescription drug abuse, bars, and drunken husbands had taken their toll on her. She was middle-aged, friendly, and “out-there”.

I dare Treez to take her home and give her a run through towards the end of the night.  Because Treez fears no dare, he eagerly accepts. The events that transpired that night will go down as single-handedly the coldest thing a guy could do to someone of her kind.  After Treez “finishes his dare” with her. He gets up and goes into the kitchen to play cards with his roommate. This “chicken-head” walked out and asked Treez if he would take her home.

 ”You have to legs don’t ya?”

Treez made this lady walk home in Tahlequah after midnight.