Phishr Chronicles

Stillwater with Stink couldn’t ask for a more insane mixture, even so because we hadn’t seen one another in months. I had completely decided for an all out Ted Kennedy-esque weekend. We had a football game, a round of drinking and some all out frat guy fun, and if we could be so lucky, a dead hooker in a bridge wreck. 

Upon arrival we started out slamming beers and introducing me to his place. We started the evening out with beers before we headed to the bars. The night was turning out quite uneventful. Every bar we went to was dead. Even though it was a Friday night, I expected a little more. I had an old roommate from Tahlequah that was living in Stillwater now so with nothing else exciting happening, I decided to call him. 

Now Gerbil was newly married and I hadn’t seen them since they lived in Tahlequah, so this was going to almost be like a reunion. When we arrived it was Gerbil, his wife, and 2 girls that they worked with, both of which were attractive. Stink and I were all grins. The night was calm with us playing drinking games, exchanging stories and drinking heavier. I stepped outside with one of the girls “cowgirl” where we started kissing a little. One thing lead to another and I was headed back to the 2 girls house. As we arrived back at their house when problem number one surfaced. These two girls explained how they just got this house, there was not too much furniture on the inside; if it were possible to get inside…

Cowgirl, “Oh damn, we’re locked out.. Is there anyway you can get in?”

The home had bay windows in the front and windows wrapping all the way around surrounded by a small rock garden. I went walking window to window looking for a window that was unlocked. I checked each one moving closer to the back yard. Almost to the backyard “Cowgirl” yelled at me.

“Come up here, all the windows are locked”.

“What do you want me to do then?”

She looked at me in all seriousness and firmly said, “break in”.

I’m not a criminal, I don’t know how to card a door, pick a lock or pull a garage door off a track. She said 2 words and those words allowed me to use any resources available to gain access to the property.

I picked up the biggest rock and threw it as hard as I could through a baywindow. One of those moments where you have the opportunity to stop, reevaluate the situation and take the higher rode that will lead to the best decision. I dropped it in fourth, popped the clutch and trenched the situation. And just when things couldn’t get worse…

I broke the rest of the glass around the window to be a gentlemen so Cowgirl wouldn’t cut herself climbing in. I pushed the broken glass to the corner and we proceeded to the back room. Now remember that there was nothing in the house so we used a mexican poncho on the wall as a blanket. After this moment things got pretty blurry but what happened the other morning will never leave my memory.

I’m awaken bright and early to Cowgirl.

“Quick! Hide! My roommates mom is here!”

I’m fuzzy headed still trying to gather where I’m at, where to hide, and where all of my clothes were.

I get up and hop in the bathroom quickly. As I sit naked on the corner of the tub, I decide to use the restroom…

You can already see where this is going…

“Ok! Ok! I’m just going to go tinkle” came from the other side of the door. The door opened.

I’m standing there naked using the restroom.

“Oh gosh no”.

I can hear her gasp.

I turned and did the only reasonable thing in this situation.

“Ohhh hiiii…..”

She slammed the door and I could hear her and her daughter fighting in the living room. I could only stand there and wait.

The front door finally slammed as I could distinctly remember hearing more glass fall to the ground.

After all was said and done, I guess the roommate told her mom that they caught someone trying to break into the house and that’s how the window was broken. I cannot see how she bought that being that both of these girls couldn’t weigh over 110 lbs. a piece.  And the only thing in the house was a mexican poncho and a sombrero. They probably coud have fiesta’d the perps to death…

 This story is a little off the beaten path from what I have ever written before.  I have always written about sex and defiling women but this one is about the bad luck I run into which always seems to happen in pairs.   

Dating back to when I was a freshman it was the spring semester and I had just recently joined a fraternity.  Not really something I wanted to do but hey it got me out of the dorms.  Well the second weekend I was in the house somebody was throwing a party in the Jefferson Commons apartment complex.  Anyone who has ever lived in Stillwater knows about the wild partying and crazy orgy-fest that go on at that complex.  Well we are partying at this place and it was a gangster theme party because my good friends’ dad owned a drive thru liquor store and was selling us cases of MGD 40s for only 12 bucks apiece.  A hell of a deal for a poor college student.  Well after me and a guy named Eric and a girl named crazy bitch decided that party sucked so we were going to another party. 

As we pull around a corner in the neighborhood this party was taking place in we see a cop so Eric turns the corner and tries to outrun the cop and we pull into a friend named Paul’s house.  The cop lights us up and pulls us over in the driveway.  Crazy Bitch throws her open 40 in the back seat with me.  Cop comes up and smells alcohol and makes Eric get out.  Crazy Bitch gets out and the let her call a friends, which came and picked her up whom by the way, was pilled out. 

I get asked to get out of the car and they drill me with questions while Eric looks on thru the window of the back seat of the cop car with hand cuffs on.  They searched the car and found 3 12 packs of 40s and made me personally empty ever single bottle.  Then they arrest me and take me to jail for public intox.  A fucking PI for drinking 1 40 and crazy bitch had a pill head come pick her up and she was fucked up.  I wasn’t even drunk yet. 

Fast forward to the next day.  I get out and they hand me all my stuff and make me pay a fee saying since this was a first offense I wouldn’t be charged but I had to pay 85 dollars to charity.  Fine whatever, “who do I make the check out to?”  

Well later that night since it was MLK weekend we had another party at a house about 6 blocks from the fraternity house.  I got pretty loaded this night.  I think I weighed every bit of 130 pounds as a freshman and I drank the better half of a 24 pack I was splitting with a friend.  By better half I think he only had 8.  So after I started swaying and felt like I needed to go home and sleep it off.  Walking seemed like the safest and most logical mans of transportation considering the state I was in and m run in the night before.   Whoo Whoo.  Police sirens and lights pulling me over.  The Cop, ” hey son it looks like you had trouble walking across that street there?” No officer I am fine I live right there in the fraternity house.  The Cop, “follow my pen.  Okay now say abcs frontwards and backwards.  You’re under arrest for Public Intox.  Fuck again.  But I only live right there.  It’s only 100 feet away to the property line.  Come on give me a fucking break. 

So I went to jail. Again.  This time they stuck me in a cell that was completely cement and would only allow me to have one shirt, my jeans and socks.  The room was about 50 degrees and it was January.  I was cold.   I asked them for toilet paper saying I had to shit but they wouldn’t give it to me.  I really only wanted it so I could wrap myself around it like a mummy to stay warm but they explained to me that I could use it to clog the sink/toilet and drown myself.  I tried to sleep only to be awoken by the guard. 

The Guard, “hey you want some eggs?  We stick them in the microwave oven heat em up and you eat em.  You want sum?” 

Me.  No thanks I’ll sleep. 

The next morning I got transferred to county.  I got in the car in cuffs sitting next to this black guy.  He asked me, “what they got u in here for n*&&@?” 

Ah man I got a PI. 

The guy, “Man they got me in here for firearms and possession of paraphernalia and weed and on warrants.” 

That sucks man. 

So in the car on the way to county lock up a Nelly song came on and the cop turned it up. The Black guy, “man u likes this song.  It’s bunk.” 

The cop, “man I just want to hear that song Air Force Ones.” 

The black guy, “man u know u can get ya sum of them Air force ones at WALLS for like $20 bucks.” 

The Cop, “Oh really that’s cool man.  I don’t know about the shoes I just like the song dawg.” He actually called this drug-dealing gun toting gangster “dawg”.  I was appalled. 

So anyways we get to the stations and I am getting strip-searched.  They make me lift up my sack and spread my cheeks and the black guy says, “Ah man I’m black I don’t need to do this shit.” In my mind I am thinking,”Man you were caught with several possession charges and I am in for being drunk.  You don’t think they need to check your ass for crack.” I pictured in my mind him digging a rock out with a comb when he got in his cell. 
 

Well shortly after that they released me and told me to call a ride.  I told them I didn’t have any numbers and would just walk.  They gave me my belongings minus my shoes.  They asked what color they were and I said white and they showed me some Jordan’s or something.  I said no I just have some ADIDAS tennis shoes. 

Low and behold they left them at city so I had to ride with a cop again to city to pick up my shoes.  He said he would drop me off at home and I told him I didn’t want people there to know because I thought I might get in trouble with the frat.  So he dropped me off at the fire department and I walked over a mile to get home.  What bullshit. 

I was looking through an old notebook from a Business class that I had next to this cute girl. We used to write back and forth in my notebook and I came across a funny one. It’s rather short so I thought I would add it.

When we wrote back and forth she would always ask the typical questions like, “what did you do over the weekend”, “what are your plans this week” and “come over and watch me try on my new lingerie”…

Ok I made up the first two.

Anyways I was telling her about a weekend that I ate at Red Lobster, the seafood place.

“I was at Red Lobster this weekend and my waitress obviously had a fake leg because she walked like a pirate. The food was a high C; low B at the best but I give the character authenticity an A+”.

If I were a girl I’d sure date me.

Sitting at my desk today I was booking travel arrangements in the Sacramento area. Typically this consists of checking availability, rates, and destination distances. If the hotel is within these constraints, I book. I speak with these people all the time and I have come to being very friendly with them as you speak with some interesting people. I’m typically overly pleasant, helpful, clear and all around polite, as I like to be spoken too. I happened to say something today that even caught myself offguard.

I called a Hampton and was transferred over to a friendly female counterpart with the same attitude as I had.  In this case I tried to outdo her, which in turn she tried to “out-sweet talk” me. This conversation got fluffier, cheesier and by midexchange it was like the gushy part of a Disney movie. If our conversation were the weather, it would have been all rainbows and sunrays.  If our conversation were an animal, it would be a soft puppy that cried gumdrops. If our conversation were a color, it would be tickled pink. If our conversation played music, it would be something with a harp… and puppies licking the face of a newborn baby who was laughing while lying on a cloud with the Raisin Bran sun smiling and pouring two scoops of freaking happiness all over the Barney song. This conversation had more cheese than a… you get the point.

 Then once again, with one sentence I completely destroyed this conversation with this innuendo.

She asked how would I prefer to book the room.

I told her by credit card.

She replied for me to go ahead and start reading it back to her when ready.

“Not a problem at all! Tell me though, how do YOU want ME to give it to you?”

I heard her take a breath.

Whooops. It’s one of those moments when you first want to go back in time and rephrase that. Then immediately it turned to hilarity. I could tell she was flustered. I couldn’t say anything else without laughing into the phone. The conversation ended awkwardly. Who cares. I made an unconscience sexual pass at a hotel attendant and honestly didn’t mean anything bad by it. Freud would say I wanted to do bad things to her. I’m keeping a log from here out of these moments. They’re worth it.