On a quick note, while you are reading this, I have just boarded my flight for the production of Vegas 3.0. Enjoy!
If you are already aware of what an upper decker is, this will be a treat. If you don’t, this will be a sweet treat.
Fall 2000- It was a warm Friday. The air conditioner was pathetic in my old Blazer. The party was on the north side of our town (note that it was a little out of place for me) but the hosts’ house that was hosting the typical high school weekend party were really hot. Our town was larger than your everyday suburban town. When you graduate with around 1000 people, there is a good chance that you don’t know a fair chunk of people; especially if I was on the southern part of town partying on the other side.
On the way to the party a buddy and I had stopped at the new Taco Bueno. I ordered a bueno chilada (the SAME thing I’ve ordered there since I was a child) and we dined down as a last attempt to ward off any hunger spells that might cross us in the evening. Upon arrival the party was already unfolding. I had to park at the end of the block. Now my buddy was someone from North so he knew everyone immediately and I was still new to most of these people. He heads to the back yard and I sit at the kitchen table for some consumption games. The night wears on and I still only know about 5 people here. I start to get impatient because everyone is walking around with this undeserved sense of personal accomplishment. Like talking to a group of realtors. Some of the people were athletes, some were spoiled beyond rich, and some were just scrappers, (luckily I wasn’t much of a “roughian, however, my buddy was).
Even as the night went on, I still didn’t have a whole lot in common with these people except maybe the whole friend of a friend relationship, and those are always awkward:
Me, “So you know (friend)
Friend of friend, “Yeah, he/she is awesome”
Me, “Yeah, I’ve had some crazy times with him/her”
Friend of friend, “Yeah, you should have known him/her as long as I have!”
Me, “……..fuck you.”
The party was “filling beyond fire code” and the hostess was starting to kick people out that she was not familiar with. This worried me because I was a threat… And on top of all of that, the Bueno was about to make an appearance.
Hostess, “I don’t know you, you need to leave.”
Me, “I need to use your bathroom…please”.
Hostess, “Well I guess you should have thought about that before.”
What the… Thought about what? Your random ability to deny me usage to your restroom because you feel the need to show off authority and banish me from your household in front of your friends? You BITCH…
She turned around and continued to filter through people that she felt were not worthy of her parents cheap ass house.
I, on the other hand, found my way into the hall bathroom…
I locked myself into the bathroom still upset from the poor attitude I had just received. I knew I had to be quick in the bathroom because I did not want to jeopardize my dignity by some bitchy hostess picking a bathroom lock and exposing my “no bueno”bathroom visit.
I undid my pants, and it hit me quicker then the bueno did.
[This next piece is the definition of the upper-decker. You remove the lid to the back tank on the toilet. Once removed, one stands on the toilet lid and removes pants to knees. Pending head clearance, prankster now defecates in tank. Replace lid and walk away. This is turn will stink and continuously recycle poopy water]
I quickly gave this bathroom one bueno of an upper-decker. And for the icing on the cake, I used the decorative hand towels as my personal toilet tissue. Once I replaced the decorative towels to their respected towel racks. I was out of the bathroom in and out of the bathroom in a few minutes. None the wiser.
I can only hope that the hostess of the party had tried plunging the toilet all next morning not understanding why this was happening. Putting the plunger up and drying her hands.
I look back now and feel kind of guilty for the stint. I demoralized this bathroom for what? Cause the girl was being a disrespectful bitch?
Yes I did.
When these crazy urges for revenge come across me, it’s usually due to a fairly good amount of pent up frustration releasing itself on one persons parade. Unfortunately, this was not her day to act like a pain in the ass bitch. I accepted the fact that I was not familiar to her home, as did I also accept that she wanted me to leave and not use her bathroom, but…
I guess a good closing for this is, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Can you think of a better proverb? Post it then… And it better be good, otherwise..