Phishr Chronicles

I decided to do this story last night as I was thinking of the awkward consequences of vacationing at the lake. This was great. We were camping at Keystone State Park, I like the atmosphere I suppose.  Stink’s family was out there so we posted tent up by them with a great view of the lake. This was my first time to camp at the lake since the infamous campsite number 3 incidents in 2000 that banned somewhere between 5-10 of us from camping in this town. But hey, when you’re in a tug of war match over a beer bong with lake patrol on the shore at 8 in the morning, it tends to leave a lasting taste in your mouth, like hot tequila or hooker saliva.

It was getting late on the Second night there and the girls that were with us were about to retire to their (our) designated tents when I caught my second wind and decided a midnight bar run was in my best interest. I think the sun has a large affect on my decision making abilities, or it was the sauce…  Yeah, I just turned down a beautiful girl for a bar run. I ended up on some house boat 2 hours later with a couple old college buddies when I determined that what was waiting in my tent probably wouldn’t be waiting much longer. I waited for shore and began my side-stepping journey back to this campsite in the center of a park the size of a town. The words lost, concussion, banjos, and sodomy was all that was on my mind.

I finally found me to the right path that led me to camp. I made it with my skull in one piece, my backside hole still proper, and my dignity intact. To no surprise the cute girl was asleep. I wasn’t in the mood of being a dick and trying to wake her so I decided that sitting up drinking sounded like a great time.

And so it turned out.

Some gar-faced old hag of a winch stumbled into our campsite and up to me. If anyone knows the person I am, I of course have to say hi or open some stupid window that surely leads to them talking about their whole life and me wishing I had narcolepsy.  She sits down and starts talking. Right off the back I could tell she was a backwoods cougar. Every guy that’s any guy knows that the only time you hunt cougar is in a dimmed area with your friends present for second opinions and escape strategies. I wasn’t even hunting this go-round. I was “bird watching when a gorilla cougar pounced my way”. I had to subdue this woman and get out with “it” in my pants and self-respect still intact.

“You sure are a cute one”

I said, “why thank you.”

“How bouts I take you down to the shore line and make a man outta ya?”

“I’d rather n…..ot”.

She began touching me inappropriately.  I began drinking faster.  She spoke of things she would let me do to her. I died a little more everytime she spoke. Everytime she spoke, it was as if she was attempting to make small talk but was unable to beat around the bush for too long. It was actually kind of hot IF a cute girl was doing it. This lady looked like her parents met at a family reunion.

I would try to talk, she would continue to talk slutty. I would make a reference to how good beer tastes. She would make references on how good she thinks I would taste.

I finally stated clearly, “Listen! I WILL NOT DO YOU!  Is that clear? You can just drop it!”

She said “if you kiss me I’ll quit.”

“No”

“It’s just a kiss”

“No.”

“I promise, I’ll leave you alone and won’t bother you for the rest of the night.”

I did a quick cost/benefit, if I kiss this old bag of whore, it’ll surely taste of vicodin and Marlboro’s.

But after she leaves I can wash it away with this case of beer.

Pucker up whore.

The moment I kissed her I heard muffled laughing and a thump. And it came from Stinks family camper. I pulled away and sent her on her way and quickly slammed beers and worked at repressing the memory (and I did a hell of a job until now).  The camper door flung open with Stinks sister and her friend who had been watching me the whole time.

“Phishr, you’re absolutely disgusting!”

They had no idea of the pact I made so i just gave them a brief “screw you” and took the jabs.  It was getting late/early so I decided to wander up to the bathrooms and head to bed.  As I’m walking this younger kid came running up behind me. I was first startled as my brown penny puckered up, then I realized that the kid was nothing to worry about until he spoke…

“My aunt thinks your hot and wants to do you, you want to?”

Yeah that’s right.

He was about 11 and he was trying to hook his aunt up.

He was his aunts wingman…

This is why we, as a state, get made fun of.