Phishr Chronicles

The sound of a shotgun cocking is an unconscious male aphrodisiac.

No doubt. When I here a shotgun cock, I start pelvic thrusting the air. I hope I can get a copy of the surveillance video if I’m ever in a bank and they rob it with shotguns… How exciting it is…

It’s like a detonator for a guy. I hear a gun cock, I’m ready. It’s a euphoric pleasure overload.

Other guns have an effect. But none like the pure duel *CLACK* of a shotgun.

A revolvers hammer coming back is like a foot massage and a turkey sandwich compared to a shotty.  The thrill of hearing a shotgun cock brings out the carnal instincts in me.

A bolt action; ehhh. It’s like a glass of wine, it’ll do, but you can’t quite grasp the full effect. One can’t just enjoy one on a night out, you end up trying to fill the void that a shotgun, and ONLY a shotgun can fill.

No wonder guns and booze are always considered a bad idea.  The booze lowers your inhibitions to clearly define and “yesser” and a “not a chance”. All girls become “ehhhhyyeeaaah”.  Than you add the mysterious repercussion the crisp sound a shotgun makes and you are a walking genital.

I could make an adult movie out of 2 hours of shotguns cocking in Bose surround sound and my lady would be the happiest gal ever.

Are you a:

girl?

Who can cock a shotgun?

email me.

Stink and I took another journey to Keystone for 4th of July 2008. It was a calm weekend filled with food, a steady pace of drinking and a 9 year old friend of the family that turned my night into, well, a story…

On the way back from the beer store, Stink is talking about the difficulties of going over bumpy roads on motorcycles.

9 year old, “My dad hit this road on his motorcycle that had like… 20 potholes in it.

It was quiet after that.

9 year old, “It was FUCKING bumpy…”

We were in tears and awww…

That day this kid continued to splash lake water in my beer (which didn’t stop me but might explain why my chest still hurts 4 days later) and throw mud at us. I wanted to challenge him to a duel, but he always would revert back to something funny which in turn would keep his death imminent.

I noticed that the more I drank, the more adult sense of humor would revert back to elementary sense of humor.  A quick example would be how Stink finally retaliated and dumped soupy mud/sand all over the top of the kids head. He replied, “ewww… it’s like diarrhea all over my head”. I would laugh because he was so vulgar it was shocking. Then night fell and the conversations began.

This kid probably sat up with us until 4 a.m. discussing some weird stuff.

9 year old, “Whats your favorite Gangland episode?”

me, “….?”

9 year old, ” I think I liked the crips episode, that tooky guy was huge”.

me, “*long pause* That one was good, did you see the one with MS13 or the nazi lowriders?”

9 year old, “Yeah! Whats a boot party?”

me, “It’s a stompdown, I’ll tell you more some other time…”

Remember that this kid is 4th or 5th grade. He does not appear out of the ordinary.

9th grader on clowns.

9y.o., “shits scary, have you ever seen the movie ‘IT’?”

me, “lalalalalalalalala, we’re not talking about that!!! lalalalala”

9y.o., “yeah, that’s some scary shit…”

9 Year Old on alcohol.

9y.o., “What kind of beer are you drinking? I got drunk for the first time when I was 3!”

me, “spewing beer out of my mouth”

stink, “JESUS! WHAT THE HELL DUDE?”

9 Year old on pets.

9y.o., “I would want a monkey, except they poo everywhere…”

me, “they say that monkeys are the carrier for aids…”

9 Year old on basketball

9y.o., “I don’t know who I like more, Shaq or Magic.”

me, “they say Magic is the carrier for aids…”

Stink, “Tommy Morrison too, they are clean now, like it went away through treatment.”

9 Year old on his own mom

9 year old pulls picture of his mom out, “she’s real pretty but she’s kinda thick..”

Stink and I laugh hysterically

9 Year old on music

9y.o. “My favorite bands are Hank Williams Jr. and Slipknot”

me, “…How? Why?”

Stink, “That makes no sense kid”

9 Year old on rap music

9y.o. “Because 2pacs crew killed biggie.”

Stink, “What about EazyE?”

me, “He had aids too.”

 CONCLUSION

Including other subjects that were completely off the wall, I’d say that the night was a success.  I learned:

-What a Banshee was (now I have ANOTHER creature to scream myself to sleep about)

-I learned that Blair Witch wasn’t a real movie based on actual events(oh piss on you, it looked real)

-The Shining will always be the scariest movie… Ever…

-Little kids can throw up if you scare them bad enough

-Tombstone the movie will never get old no matter how many times in a row you watch it

-Goat cheese is good on tostitos after drinking all day,

-And that I have finally come to terms with accepting the fact that I was just not assembled by god in a way to perform on anything that drags behind a boat.
 

Typically when a girl is this easy, you can go ahead and either expect

A) Chlamydia

B) A dramatic experience

C) An unplanned dilemma that will inevitably ruin your night

Unfortunately, a condom cannot prevent B and C.

I was partying at an old friends house when I met this cute easy little number who began openly flirting with me; if only all confrontations were this easy.

She showed me her boobs.

I smiled.

She asked to see my phallus.

I obliged.

She told me she shaved.

I asked fora viewing.

When a girl this simple comes along, you hold onto her. Not for a relationship, you never date anyone like this, unless your desperate but then you’ll always be worrying if she REALLY went to the bathroom or if she’s providing tug jobs for the rugby team in the hallway.  I always wondered what their fathers would think if they walked in on them performing said acts. Then one begins to pray that they don’t have daughters…

Our random romps went on for a few weeks. I’d call, she’d show up, we’d do what… well we’d slap ‘em. I didn’t feel guilty because quite frankly, she initiated this.  Then the unplanned dramatic experience that inevitably ruined my night decided to make it’s entrance.

I was at my friend Eskimo’s house drinking in the garage when I decided to call her up. We’re all pretty plowed and it just seemed like the right idea. She shows up and I sat down in the driveway with her. We started hooking up again in the driveway, one thing led to another and within minutes I was slappin ‘em again. Her heavy breathing turned to moans, that turned to other noises that turned into crying.

Not the good crying either.

I let up to see what all the crying was about. I was actually sensitive to her emotions.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“My daddy wouldn’t buy me a pair of shoes today! He’s so mean…”

I was astonished. Why on earth would she think of that in the middle of sex in a driveway with me.

Do I want to know? This might be one of those crazy repressed thoughts that I might have uncovered unknowingly.

“Eww, maybe you should leave right now…”

I ran into this girl about 5 years later at a festival in Stillwater, OK. She was a beer vendor. I sparked up a quick conversation with her.

“How have you been the past 5 years?’

She shot back, “good! I got married 2 years ago!”

Oh dear god, I felt sorry for her husband. If he only knew.

I sure hope he keeps that shoe closet stocked…

And stays away from rugby parties…

I decided to do this story last night as I was thinking of the awkward consequences of vacationing at the lake. This was great. We were camping at Keystone State Park, I like the atmosphere I suppose.  Stink’s family was out there so we posted tent up by them with a great view of the lake. This was my first time to camp at the lake since the infamous campsite number 3 incidents in 2000 that banned somewhere between 5-10 of us from camping in this town. But hey, when you’re in a tug of war match over a beer bong with lake patrol on the shore at 8 in the morning, it tends to leave a lasting taste in your mouth, like hot tequila or hooker saliva.

It was getting late on the Second night there and the girls that were with us were about to retire to their (our) designated tents when I caught my second wind and decided a midnight bar run was in my best interest. I think the sun has a large affect on my decision making abilities, or it was the sauce…  Yeah, I just turned down a beautiful girl for a bar run. I ended up on some house boat 2 hours later with a couple old college buddies when I determined that what was waiting in my tent probably wouldn’t be waiting much longer. I waited for shore and began my side-stepping journey back to this campsite in the center of a park the size of a town. The words lost, concussion, banjos, and sodomy was all that was on my mind.

I finally found me to the right path that led me to camp. I made it with my skull in one piece, my backside hole still proper, and my dignity intact. To no surprise the cute girl was asleep. I wasn’t in the mood of being a dick and trying to wake her so I decided that sitting up drinking sounded like a great time.

And so it turned out.

Some gar-faced old hag of a winch stumbled into our campsite and up to me. If anyone knows the person I am, I of course have to say hi or open some stupid window that surely leads to them talking about their whole life and me wishing I had narcolepsy.  She sits down and starts talking. Right off the back I could tell she was a backwoods cougar. Every guy that’s any guy knows that the only time you hunt cougar is in a dimmed area with your friends present for second opinions and escape strategies. I wasn’t even hunting this go-round. I was “bird watching when a gorilla cougar pounced my way”. I had to subdue this woman and get out with “it” in my pants and self-respect still intact.

“You sure are a cute one”

I said, “why thank you.”

“How bouts I take you down to the shore line and make a man outta ya?”

“I’d rather n…..ot”.

She began touching me inappropriately.  I began drinking faster.  She spoke of things she would let me do to her. I died a little more everytime she spoke. Everytime she spoke, it was as if she was attempting to make small talk but was unable to beat around the bush for too long. It was actually kind of hot IF a cute girl was doing it. This lady looked like her parents met at a family reunion.

I would try to talk, she would continue to talk slutty. I would make a reference to how good beer tastes. She would make references on how good she thinks I would taste.

I finally stated clearly, “Listen! I WILL NOT DO YOU!  Is that clear? You can just drop it!”

She said “if you kiss me I’ll quit.”

“No”

“It’s just a kiss”

“No.”

“I promise, I’ll leave you alone and won’t bother you for the rest of the night.”

I did a quick cost/benefit, if I kiss this old bag of whore, it’ll surely taste of vicodin and Marlboro’s.

But after she leaves I can wash it away with this case of beer.

Pucker up whore.

The moment I kissed her I heard muffled laughing and a thump. And it came from Stinks family camper. I pulled away and sent her on her way and quickly slammed beers and worked at repressing the memory (and I did a hell of a job until now).  The camper door flung open with Stinks sister and her friend who had been watching me the whole time.

“Phishr, you’re absolutely disgusting!”

They had no idea of the pact I made so i just gave them a brief “screw you” and took the jabs.  It was getting late/early so I decided to wander up to the bathrooms and head to bed.  As I’m walking this younger kid came running up behind me. I was first startled as my brown penny puckered up, then I realized that the kid was nothing to worry about until he spoke…

“My aunt thinks your hot and wants to do you, you want to?”

Yeah that’s right.

He was about 11 and he was trying to hook his aunt up.

He was his aunts wingman…

This is why we, as a state, get made fun of.

Because Liberals are so wicked. Lets spend tax money to keep crack heads up in houses so they don’t send them back to their country…

Drug Dealers Going Free Under San Francisco Sanctuary Law

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

A sanctuary ordinance in San Francisco is protecting young drug dealers from federal deportation in what a U.S. prosecutor is calling a “gaming of the system” for illegal immigrants.

The San Francisco Juvenile Probation Department has been shipping underage crack dealers to group homes in an effort to shield them from the feds under the city’s 1989 “City of Refuge” ordinance, which prohibits city employees from informing Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents of illegal immigrants.

Up until last month, the department flew the drug dealers back to their home countries without informing ICE agents. But now, after being sent to the group homes under the new policy, the youths just run away.

“These kids are gaming the system,” Joseph P. Russoniello, U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of California, told FOXNews.com. “Whoever they are, they’re playing it like a Stradivarius because the cops are saying they’re seeing these characters three and four times.”

As first reported in the San Francisco Chronicle, eight Honduran crack dealers escaped from youth rehabilitation centers run by Silverlake Youth Services in San Bernardino County in recent weeks.

Russoniello would neither confirm nor deny an investigation into the department’s shielding of illegal immigrants, but he told FOXNews.com that he was first informed in January of ICE’s brushes with the city’s probation officers as they transported detainees south of the border via the Houston airport.”They had stopped them and found out that they were — despite the fact that they had claimed they were juveniles — they were adults,” Russoniello said. “In some cases, they were convicted felons; in other cases, they had actually entered the country after deportation, and so on.”

The U.S. Attorney’s Office approached the city for an explanation and was told on June 16 that the probation department had ceased deporting underage offenders.

Russoniello said that still did not “resolve the ultimate problem, which is why wasn’t juvenile probation reporting to ICE that they had in their custody people who were illegal aliens?” He said he’s still awaiting an answer from the city.

Requests for comment from Mayor Gavin Newsom and the city’s probation department and attorney’s office were not returned.

“We are abiding by the sanctuary city ordinance,” William Siffermann, the chief of the Juvenile Probation Department, told the Chronicle.

Last year, Newsom ordered the city’s departments to develop training on the ordinance. In April, he began a public awareness campaign to promote the city’s sanctuary policy to undocumented residents.

Siffermann told the paper that his agency flew home only offenders who had failed all other rehabilitative efforts, from foster care and juvenile detention to probation.

Greg Palmore, an ICE spokesman in Houston, referred all questions by FOXNews.com to the Justice Department. But he told the Chronicle that “although San Francisco is a sanctuary city, it’s a problem whenever someone attempts to evade the law. … Our law does not allow us to turn a blind eye to any individual who has come into this country illegally.”

Siffermann defended the city’s policy to shield youthful offenders from deportation.

“It might prevent them from obtaining citizenship,” he told the paper.

Russoniello disagreed.

“No matter whose immigration reform is adopted, nobody is going to have a line for people who are drug dealers to get the benefit of amnesty or citizenship,” he said. “So you’re wasting your time trying to protect them.”

Words cannot describe my exact deepest inner feelings about this….