Phishr Chronicles

Warning: This is disgusting.

Summer of 2006 we were all drinking around the chimenea in Timmy Pot Poo’s (Tpp) back yard. As the night progressed we were out of fire wood and as normal people would do, we would climb the trees with saws and hang from branches sawing at the tree while balancing our beers.  We were making our way around the backyard working these trees over like thieving whores when I decided to hop the fence and round up limbs in the neighbors yard. I climb up this privacy fence and quietly breach the fenceline (read: got to the top and threw myself over), then before I can begin to pick up the mass amount of fallen limbs and twigs I note something staring at me.

It was a giant tram-pop-poline. It asked me if I wanted to come playfully break my limbs on it.

I agreed.

I yelled back over the fence to everyone about my new found discovery.

“ohmygodohmygodohmygod, comelookwhatifound!~!”

A few heads peaked over the fence. They immediately complied with the unspoken understanding that we were in fact, gonna jump on this until we can’t jump anymore. Little did I know that this was lifes way of foreshadowing tramatic events.

As we kindly asked permission to play on their springy fortress of fun (read: peaked through the windows to make sure they were REALLY out of town); we proceeded to jump. There were 4 of us, two jumping and two impatiently waiting their turn.  I was showing off my inability to land a drunkman flip when the unthinkable happened.

 thhhpptptptptptptptppthhhh.

I just had confetti ass on the trampoline.

“Guys, I just gambled and lost”.

I couldn’t tell if they were seizuring due to the humor associated with a grown ass man shitting himself on a trampoline or the actual disgusting feet I just accomplished in what has up to that point in life, already been one rollercoaster after another. 

I try to dismount off of this hopping poo trap without spreading my mess. Failure.

It’s quite similar to a fender bender escalating into a 20 car interstate pileup. You have already caused what would be a mishap in your day, now you try to keep it from ruining you. Well I was upside down in my watching the 18 wheeler of fuel, jack knife right at me.

“It’s… It’s all over me.”

The group of assholes offer no help

I get back to TPP’s front door and and remove my shoes (yeah.. that bad) and work my way to the bathroom.. Toilet paper and new drawers won’t cut it. I need running water… I ended up losing a pair of underwear, wearing soaking wet pants from where I had to clean them, some socks, and my dignity.

I guess cabbage guts don’t take the weekend off?

I want to rant. Buckle up.

 Couple Marry on Indiana Roller Coaster Ride

The MOMENT I read this heading I identified several things.

1) They met online

2) They’re disgustingly fucked up

3) This will with out a doubt end in a psychotic murder suicide.

Read this first then we can begin to explain the atrocity.

Jerry and Leslie Fleming tied the knot Friday, 160 feet above ground at the top of the Voyage roller coaster at Holiday World in Santa Clause, Ind., WTHITV.com reported.

The couple, who bonded over their love of roller coasters, had an Elvis impersonator officiate.

“I’ve loved coasters my entire life and I’ve always known I wanted to get married on one,” Jerry Fleming told the station. “And after riding the Voyager a couple of years ago for the first time, I’m like ‘This is the one to do it on and once I meet her, we’re gonna do this.’”

This disgusts me. Maybe it’s just my conservative roots, but you ugly she-mullet/pinkhair having failures at life have forced me to say this. You wanna know why you HAD to meet on a dating site? Because you CANNOT get anyone in public to talk to you. He reminds me of the comic book guy from the Simpsons.  THEN, they go off and make a mockery of a wedding. 

Shame on you. I award you the PWNTAB for this week. Now you can tell all of your World of Warcraft buddies that you won something.

 This week holds 2 awards. You will get your “pwntab” as usual but I would like to give this person in this next story a round of applause.  You sir, are unbelievable for your attempt to turn yourself into meat mulch.  So here is where I need you people… Give me your best one-liner after reading this story and post it below.

“Time to take out the city worker” or you know…. something like that

ROSEVILLE, Minn. -  A man was severely injured when he threw himself into a wood chipper in Minnesota, police said.

Crews were clearing trees in a public area Thursday afternoon when the man appeared and jumped head first into the wood chipper. Workers turned off the machine and called 911, and the man was rushed to Regions Hospital in St. Paul with injuries to his head and torso.

Police are calling it a suicide attempt and said the man is 19- to 21-years-old.

On to my pwntab” for the week.

That arrow is pointing to King Abdullah. He is king of Saudi Arabia. He is one of the reasons gas prices have not gone down. He is why everything is going up in prices. Oil hit $127/barrel today.  The Saudi king says he does not need to increase output when he is covering demand. He, ladies and gentlemen, needs his ass beat.

My problem with teachers was I decided within the first minute if I would get along with them or not. I looked past the fact that they were just an authoritive figure forcing me to do busy work for bullshit pay and tried to imagine if they would be a friendly advisor or not. I gave ALOT of my instructors the benefit of the doubt that even though they were complete horses asses, they wouldn’t pass me if I treated them disrespectfully.  In turn I would focus on their personality and try to tune in on their individual sense of humor and try to make them laugh everytime I saw them…

Unfortunately, I forecasted correctly only about 80% of the time..

I had an art professor (I needed a fine arts credit) that was religious funny. However, you could kind of tell that he would get a little defensive if someone tried to make others laugh as well. Thats where I fell in.

We had 4 weeks or so of sculpting at the end of the semester.  Of course I looked like a pig in mud everyday after that class. I walked into his open office in the classroom, and I forgot what I was going to say to him for sometimes I would just wander aimlessly in class because the material would bore me. I stood in there as he sat at his desk thinking of what it was I was going to say to him in a spaced out look. He kind of gave me the “what in the world is on your mind, I don’t have time for this” look. I noticed a bust sculpture of a long haired gent above his desk.

I then spout out, “Whoaaa! Ultimate Warrior! Thats so awesome!!! I LOVE THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!”

He looked at me like I just destroyed his world…

“Thats NOT the Ultimate Warrior… Thats our savior Jesus Christ“…

 Whoops.

“Might I suggest you get OUT of my office and go sit down”.

I messed up big time. After that day, that class was quite awkward.  Have you never noticed that the Ultimate Warrior shares a striking resemblance with Jesus? It was a molded bust, he could have painted the warrior symbol on his face and no one would have known. I’m not in anyway meaning to sound blasphemous, it just happened.  

This will be the new post for the stupidest most vile person of the week. It was a tough one this week as I read more and more of Josef Fritzl (The Austrian man who locked his daughter in a basement for 24 years and fathered 7 children with her). But that really happened April 29th. When he is convicted, he’ll get his turn on here.

TYLER, Texas - A jury again needed just four minutes Thursday to convict an organizer of an East Texas swinger’s club where prosecutors say young children were forced to perform sexual acts for an audience.

Shauntel Mayo, 29, faces life in prison after being found guilty on charges that she forced three siblings, ages 7 through 10, to have sex with each other or perform sexual acts for club members who paid to watch.

In March, Mayo’s 36-year-old boyfriend, Jamie Pittman, was also found guilty in four minutes. He was sentenced to life in prison after jurors deliberated for just two minutes.

Some jurors cried during testimony in Mayo’s three-day trial, the Tyler Morning-Telegraph reported.

Mayo was convicted of engaging in organized criminal activity and two counts of sexual performance of a child. The punishment phase was to begin later Thursday.

During the trial, the children testified how Mayo and other defendants began teaching them at age 5 how to dance and perform sex acts. They were also given drugs, which the adults called “silly pills,” to help them perform.

Four other defendants in the case are awaiting trial.