When we were freshman in high school, Skeet moved to Muskogee for a year because his mom got a house in an inheritance. Well every now and again Treez, Stevo an I would travel down there to go party and watch Skeet’s bro terrorize animals because he was a screwed up kid. I won’t talk about those stories but the stories from the parties are fun
1st trip to Muskogee
We first get there and meet two of Skeet’s friends, the Bunch and Seizure. One of them has pot, Treez and I liked Pot. We smoked. Later Treez grabs Seizure’s soccer bag and goes hiking in a quest for mass quantities of alcohol. Stevo, Skeet and I go hiking for mass quantities of girls. We find them and they know Skeet. We bring them back to Skeet’s house and about 2 hours later we see Treez stumbling around. He told us tales of walking a couple of miles and playing hey mister at a gas station. He purchased 5 cases of Red Dog and Ice House. Now for those of you who don’t remember those two beers they came in 18 packs and they were not so much like a nectar of the gods but more like piss. But we were 15 and did not care. Well Treez was covered in mud up to his thighs because he said he walked through some kind of make shift marshland.
Well we commenced drinking and figuring out which girls we were going to mess around with. There were 5 girls and 4 guys at this point so we call Seizure back over to take one of them. I take the one that has the biggest boobs, Treez takes the skinny semi-cute one, Stevo takes the pale black haired one and Skeet gets the tall girl probably because he’s the biggest guy. Seizure gets the ugly one.
Then the fun started, I took Big Boobs McGee to her S-10 Blazer and start to have relations with her. It was fun, I think we broke one the shocks. All the other guys messed around to only in various ways and none got as far as I did. Well that night ended and we went back to Broken Arrow the next day.
In between trips a week before we went down there, the girls called my personal phone and left this message,
”Stink, Treez, Stevo, these are your Muskogee women… We heard ya’ll were coming down here this weekend and we can’t wait to see you.”
That was the whole message.
2nd Trip to Muskogee
We meet up with Skeet, Seizure and Bunch again. Then the girls came over. Yea you know what we were thinking. We were going to try and get something really kinky and crazy going on. It never happened of course. Well it was new girls b-day and she had a joint that someone gave her. I said let’s smoke it. She said I could get it after she had two hits. I got it and Treez goes, “Kill It Stink”. So I took all but a little roach of her b-day joint and handed it back to her.
She was not pleased but I was high and didn’t care.
So we got more beer and got drunk but this time none of us got any from any of the girls. I think we might have gotten to drunk and stoned and made them mad.
3rd Trip to Muskogee
Skeet’s 16th B-day.
What a wonderful day that was. This time it was at his dad’s house instead of his mom’s. We got beer and the girls to come over. We obviously started out proper by getting completely obliterated. The girls lined us up and wanted to see who has the firmest but so we flexed and they felt. Then we were asked to see who had the biggest dong so we showed them.
It was a little strange.
So the night keeps progressing and we start trying to hook up. We get the same girls we did the first time. Stevo starts hooking up with Vampira, so named because she would only stay in the dark. She tells him, don’t worry I shaved.
Yeah right.
He sticks his hand in her pants and it’s something reminiscent of a 1970’s porn bush. Later on Stevo went to McDonald’s with Vampira and while waiting in the drive-thru he fondled her boobs and she stroked his penis. She ordered a bunch of food and Stevo asked why she was ordering so much food. Vampira notified him that she was ordering the food for her boyfriend that she was meeting after she dropped him off…
Skeet goes to his bedroom only to be blocked by Treez walking in on him trying to hit it. Treez comes to me and asks for a condom in his attempt at trying to get some. I take Big Boobs McGee to the back of Skeet’s dad’s SUV and she says we can’t have sex so she tugs me off and it actually worked. She left and there was one girl that didn’t have a guy because there were 5 of them and only 4 of us.
I felt bad for her so I started hooking up with her.
Her friend that Treez was trying to hook up with caught wind of this and said if I took her friend’s virginity, she would kill me. That settled it for Treez though.
His girl wasn’t going to do anything because she wanted to make sure I didn’t have sex with her friend.
So I took her to the other side of a Jeep parked in the street. I laid on the ground and she starts giving me a hummer right there in the middle of the street. They could hear her slurping from 20 feet away.
I hope she has kids and they are reading this.
Then a car started to drive by and I had to get up and then we went to the back yard. Well after time Vampira and the other’s left us.
About an hour after the girls had left us Skeet had to poop.
This wasn’t your ordinary lunchbreak bowel movement.
It was a poop so messy because of all the booze and enchiladas we had that day that I don’t think the Muskogee HAZMAT team would have been able to contain the demons that sprayed out of his tailpipe. He used almost a full roll of toilet paper and still managed in his drunken stupor to smear poodoo all over his hand. After he noticed his fecal matter on his hand, he did what any guy trying to salvage, what little, if any amount of integrity and dignity he might still possess.
He rolled directly into the shower for a carwash.
While he was in the shower Stevo and Treez and I devised a plan to throw ice cold water on Skeet. He screamed like a little girl but little did we know this would be the start of the most epic shaming I have ever been apart of.
Treez went and passed out on Skeet’s bed with his shoes on. For any rookies to the game of binging, this is a free opportunity to shame.
A mixture of about 50 spices, eggs, pickles and other things were used in one of the worst shamings I have ever seen. It looked like a big pile of the same chum that Quint threw overboard to lure the shark in JAWS. Skeet got his infamous rage that he gets when drunk. And this time it was for Treez walking in on him while he was trying to get some. Skeet first started slapping Treez across the face but it was to his dismay, that it did no good with Treez being in the drunken coma state that he was.
Skeet then came up with the most unthinkable acts of barbarism ever to be thought of during a shaming. We don’t know exactly how he devised this plan in his drunken rage but it was absolutely without a doubt the most revolting way to end a night that I can think of. Skeet put a porno in the DVD player, primed himself up, got out a bottle of lotion and finished one off all over Treez’ body. Treez awoke sometime after this but was too drunk to comprehend anything.
Treez asked for water.
Stevo gave him a bottle of The World’s Most Dangerous BBQ Sauce.
Treez, apparently neandrathal drunk, tried to chug what he thought was waer but instead he spit it up all over himself. Treez went to the bed of Skeet’s truck to lay down. We thought it would be polite to hose Treez off with a jug of diluted sticky pickle juice.
A simple moral to this story might be something like don’t cockblock a friend and pass out first.
I personally think it should be “stay the fuck out of Muskogee.”
