Phishr Chronicles

You know how friends don’t speak of certain things.  They both are fully aware of an incident and they just don’t speak of it.  Like a cut, it may heal, however the scar will always remain…

Summer of ‘06

Treez Nudz and I used to go to this bar in Broken Arrow named C.J. Maloney’s on a daily basis. The summer was very hazy with the amount of time spent in the bar. Treez lived across the street from the bar so if and when we got WAY too drunk (which was a weekly occurrence) I would just crash at his house.  Going back to this night brought back horrific memories. Bare with me, as for I don’t recall the WHOLE evening…

Treez and I were tying on a solid one. What happened in the bar was not important, I just remember playing pool and drinking very heavily.  By 1 A.M. I was in no way capable of speaking, let alone operating ANYTHING that had: a) gears b) knobs c) laces d) zippers or e) buttons. For the second time in my life, I was neanderthal drunk. 

I recall walking up Treez’s driveway and into his house. Inevitably, we went straight to the kitchen. In an act of god I could still function a pantry door, it must not have been latched, lucky me.

As I went face first into a box of croutons I overheard Treez shifting objects around the refrigerator. Then it happened.

Treez, “Oh my sweet lord Red made enchiladas…”

My Brain, “Fancy a feast good buddy?”

My mouth, “whadtdafuckyoletsgo!”

This site was a visual orgasm. A WHOLE casserole dish of enchiladas, smothered in red enchilada sauce, stuffed with the finest seasoned beef, and completely covered in melted cheese.

Treez grabbed a spatula and begin dividing up the meals. He put his into the microwave first. I tried to wait patiently, but gave in and begin snacking on one while waiting.
And then so did he.

And then I had another.

And so did he.

Then I licked my plate clean and fetched another enchilada to microwave. His food had just come out of the microwave. He was hovering and eating. Then my memory went blank.

I woke up the next afternoon as slow as possible. I did not know where I was.  I sat up. “How the hell did I end up between the wall and the bed?” “Why is my hair stuck to my face and why do my fingers hurt?” Did I get shot? Why are my clothes covered in red?”

Then a flash of the night before struck me like a speeding truck. I recall scooping sauce out of a casserole dish and lapping it off of my hand. I remember squeezing enchiladas in my fingers and smearing them around my mouth.

“Oh Jesus”.

The enchiladas and liquor were picking a fight and my guts were the battle ground.

“I think I’m about to shit myself… Treez? Treez?”

I sat up and saw the site that quickly diminished my a-holes shutter speed.

There was Treez, face down on his bed. There was enchilada sauce all over him. Crusted enchilada sauce all in his back hair, neck hair, facial hair. He looked like a opossum after a run in with Nissan.

“ohhh god no…” I got up a b-lined across the hall to the bathroom. As I crossed the hall I noticed discolored spots on the floor from enchiladas.

Half an hour later I stepped out of the restroom; headache, dehydrated, queasy, and broken.

I heard Treez let out a whimper.

Me, “the enchiladas won.”

Treez, “Let us never speak of this again”.

I scratched the side of my face and I saw enchilada crusties flake off.

Treez, “dude… I think I’m about to blow up.”

“You are. And it hurts.”

Months past. All the guys began to hear more and more of the “enchilada massacre”.

I still cringe when I recall bits and pieces of the night.  I can only smile when I think ahead to 40 and see myself waking up with flashbacks.

We were like Vietnam veterans.

And a spicy savory Mexican dish played the role of Charlie.  

For those who do not believe my powers with “karmatic” luck… Look at this

Text conversation on the morning of March 17th 2008 (St. Patricks Day)

Double D, “Going to McNellies tonight if you wanna go.”

Me, “St. Pattys day is nothing but a… (bad words).. I won’t celebrate a holiday that promotes spousal abuse and ABBA…

I get to work and go to foxnews.com to check the go-downs for the morning.

Article on front page:  “Police: Ex-ABBA Drummer’s Body Found on Spanish Island”

My wow.. Why does this only happen to me.

“MADRID, Spain -  A former drummer for the Swedish pop band ABBA was found dead with cuts to his neck in the garden of his house on the Spanish island of Mallorca. Police said Monday an autopsy showed it was an accident.”

Lovely Phishr. I should be in The Omen. blahhhh..

Tahlequah is the Cherokee national capital.  Just because I hail from Oklahoma does not necessarily mean I know a flipping thing about old Indian tales. Hell, when I worked at this highway-side gas station, I would get truckers coming through asking where the tee-pee’s were. I don’t know these things. I always found it interesting that I have met people with last names like “rainwater”, “wildhorse”, or “skydancer”.

But lets face it. I’m a white male, European decent, aged 18-24, from suburbia.

To be honest, I moved to Tahlequah and learned that “stomp dances” were REALLY freaking real.

 Now to begin this story, It all started one weekend lake trip to my old roommates family lake house. his family has some Cherokee in them so of course everyone around me was mentioning these little “Indian” quips that kind of left me feeling like an outsider.  I learned some valuable native lessons that weekend. 

Natives like OU so much because OSU’s mascot is the Cowboys and everyone knows Cowboys and Indians don’t mesh.

Every FULL native is unpredictable after they “getta lil’ of dat fire water in ‘um”

Indian tacos are the same thing as a taco salad, don’t be deceived.

Don’t say the words “L.P.” or “Deerlady” out loud.

Now you might be asking “what the hell does L.P. stand for?” or “what the hell is a “deerlady?”

Don’t worry, after I overheard one of his family members whisper those initials, I saw the fear of god in all their eyes, I wasn’t in any hurry to find out what those unholy letters stood for either.

As for deerlady; the initial sketch in my imagination of a half deer half woman made me chuckle.  Have you ever seen the South Park episode with “manbearpig”?

This was no laughing matter at all. Lets time travel 2 years.

I had just moved out of the infamous “Normal & Ash” house (yeah, I lived on normal Street, make your remarks). I moved in with a fraternity brother “Escalito” on this house on the hill. We had another roommate who was a minor league ball player “AMIL” going to school in his off time. This house had a pretty good setup.  We all had different schedules but it was interesting when we all would get together once every blue moon.

One night a storm had just passed us by (go figure) and ”AMIL” and I were both in the living room because the power had been flickering…. Go figure some more.

While sitting around, we started hearing noises outside.  “AMIL” looked at me with wide eyes and whispered “whatthefuckwasthat…”

Most of the time I would think someone was messing with me and blow it off. But i heard it too.. “Escalito” came out of his room behind us and said “Man, are you all hearing stuff outside”.

I’m trying to play tough, but deep down I’m a 7 year  old girl reliving daddy coming home whiskey drunk.

Now knowing that “Escalito” is Cherokee I drop the “L.P.” word.

He looks at me and says “what do YOU know about L.P….

“I know nothing man.. What is a/the L.P.?”

He sits down and quietly explains, “Only elders can tell the story of L.P…”

what… Shut up fucker are we gonna die or what?!

He takes a deep breath, “little people” come around and haunt you if you speak of their name”.

I’m losing my mind might I add.

“Oh well great! Just Great! Why didn’t I get warned of this?

I’m now expecting the leprechaun to peek out by my feet and bite my toes off.

Just then, god played a dirty little trick on us with his “majestic creatures”. When I glanced out the window there were 4 deer silhouettes grazing in the front yard.

“SWEET JESUS ITS DEERLADY!!”

AMIL yells at Escalito, “WHO OR WHAT IS A DEERLADY!?”

AHHHHH!

We all grabbed blankets and slept on the living room floor that night…

Imagine me rocking back in forth with a blanky thinking to myself, “I’m never coming back to this town, I wanna go home, screw this joint, I’m moving away.”

Shortly after we were evicted…

For sledding…

Don’t you wish you had friends like this..

When I was in college in Tahlequah (No State), Stink was attending Stillwater (Ok State). As usual I would go there to party with him, as he would come to Tahlequah and do the same.  A few weeks after visiting him I had just got out of class and some of the guys and I were headed to this restaurant called Vidalias that served sandwiches and Mad Dog coneys.  As we were ordering lunch Stink was just getting out of class and called me out of the blue.

Stink,” Hey man, are you free, we need to talk.”

Me, “Yeah man, whats up?”

Stink, “Rememebr that blonde girl that you hooked up with down here a while back?”

Me, “HAHA, why, whats the deal?”

Stink, “She’s HIV positive”

I was speechless. I started trying to recall everything I did… Which was difficult because the past several times I went to Stillwater, I didn’t rememeber half the trip.

Stink, “I know dude.. She just told me.. I’m sorry man.  You wore one right?”

You know that feeling you get when someone tells you that someone close to you has died. That first feeling of emptiness and insignificance.  I was drowning in that.

The rest of the afternoon, I ignored everyone at the table. The outside world was nonexistent.  I could hear my heart beating up my chest and out of my mouth. 

“Who was this girl? I’m not really remembering any blondes? I hooked up with a girl at a bar but I didn’t go home with her?”  “When did this happen?”

I threw my food away and walked out with the guys. I sent Stink a text

“How could this happen?”

He replied back

 ”It didn’t happen. But I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko..”

 ”DAMNIT STINK DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU JUST DID TO ME!”

I’ve never rode an emotional rollercoaster that scary. I almost poopoo’ed on the sidewalk.

Jerkass. Actually typing this just made me realize how pissed I am at him.

What would you do if one of your closest friends was inappropriate with your significant other?

What would you do if your friend did this three times to three separate girls that you dated in a span of 4 weeks?

I’ll tell you what my friend ”AWOL” did…

The first incident was kind of difficult because of the situation.  It happened on a night of a banquet. Him and his girlfriend had gotten in an argument and it probably didn’t help that my date for the evening was a married woman… Who just happened to be my best friends (Norm) sister. 

Oh pish posh, anyways, I was probably the most horrible guy ever that night. I’ll admit it right off the back. I night filled with best friend’s married sister’s and best friend’s girlfriends; right off the back it doesn’t sound good. But you put me in the Kerr Mansion to run crazy with a house full of beautiful women and all of my best friends… Bad stuff will inevitably happen.

Me (on the phone), “Hey dude, last night was pretty wild”

AWOL, “Yeah, I hear that… (something about fighting all night)

Me, “Hey bro, listen, I kinda hooked up with your girl last night”

AWOL, “…….wow, well I respect your honesty, that means alot to me”

Me, “Thank you for not killing me, I’m sorry.”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, AWOL begins dating another girl. Cute girl, I had partied with her in the past. She was quite attractive. As legend has it, Norm and his girlfriend at the time (the darkness) went on a romantic weekend he had asked me to house sit for the night and watch his pug. I agreed and headed over there after work. As I walked in his apartment door I noticed Awols’ new girl sitting on the couch watching television.

Me, “What the hell are you doing here?”

Her, “(the darkness) asked me to watch the apartment and he pug, what the hell are you doing over?”

Me, “Norm told me to do the same thing…”

—next morning—

Me (on the phone), “Hey AWOL whats up”

AWOL, “Nothing man, what about you.”

Me, “Hey dude, listen. I kinda messed around with that girl you are/were dating”.

AWOL, “……. (deep breath), thanks for your honesty bro,that rally means alot to know that you wouldn’t lie to me.”

At this time I walked on egg shells around him. I know I deserved a swift punch in the mouth to say the least. But it never came. I was overall surprised because as much partying as we did together, one would assume that any given night, emotions would run high and I could be found in the back yard in a shallow grave. But it never happened.

AWOL starts talking to this new girl. She was a freshmen at the time, and she had this really cute friend. I wanted AWOL’s new girl to introduce me to her. (on a side note: AWOL has always been strange when it comes to public appearances. He would at times literally go AWOL without anyone’s knowledge and no one would see or hear from him in days.)

On this particular night I had Awol’s new girl come over and try get her friend over as well. When she arrived without her friend or AWOL, I was a little disappointed, however I don’t get completely depressed because I was reassured all night that “she would come by in a bit”.  We all sat around drinking and having typical college fun. As the night progressed and friend never showed up I told Awol’s girl I would drop her off and head home.

—Next morning—

Me (on the phone), “Hey dude, what’s been up? Haven’t heard from you in a few days?”

AWOL, “Yeah.”

Me, “So, hey listen man, I got something to tell you”

AWOL, “……….I really appreciate your honesty. That means alot to me.”