Phishr Chronicles

 I walked into my local watering hole on a Monday to watch some college hoops and have some beers. There were maybe 6 other people sitting at the bar when I walked in. And believe me, when I walked in, the atmosphere got quite interesting…

University of Texas had just moved up to 5 in the nation and were playing a tough Kansas State team in Manhattan (K-State). I had already missed the first half so I sat down quickly at a table by myself in front of the pubs’ big screen.   I was only there for about 20 minutes when an older gentleman walked through the door.  He was in his 70’s, overweight, and on top of that he carried an oxygen tank.  I thought nothing of it at the time and glanced back up at the television.  As he dragged by me he patted my knee and said “How are you this evening young man?”.  I replied back “great now that I’m getting my sports fix” and he chuckled and continued walking past. As the old man was behind me he did something that I could only imagine.

The old timer FARTED on the back of my head.

I thought to myself, “Did he just fucking poot on my head?!” He did. Yeah. And it was awful. 

I repressed the incident like I always repress these things and went about my evening.

But what would be a “genuine” phishr story if it ended there. Lets get to the title.

Moments later, Stinky Von Sneakass approached me once again. “Is anyone joining you? I cannot see the screen from back there”.  I gestured towards the chair across from me while staying focused to the game.  But instead of ol’ fiberfart sitting there, he takes my long coat out of the chair next to me, moves it across the table and sits down RIGHT by me.

Awkward, but okay.

I hastily introduce myself and try to remained focused on the game, however, who was I kidding, this game is shot because old people with no friends like to talk until you either a) slip them drugs or b) lock a wheel spoke to the frame of their wheelchair and walk away.  Since I somewhat have a heart and old people are more interesting to me than the majority of people I know, I let it slide.

He continues on.

Him, “You know I graduated from the school on there in purple”.

Me, “Did ya now?”

Him, “Yeah. My grandson is in the program at Arkansas for extended stay”

Me, “You mean graduate school. Masters program”

Him, “That’s what it’s called. You know he dated Carrie Underwood years ago there”

Me, “Oh wowww”

(Side-note: I went to school with her at Northeastern State, I used to live in their “sorority house”.)

This meant one of two things.

1) I’m living a life of lies and false realities

2) Shit britches here is as senile as it gets…

Him, “So it looks like you like beer… i have LOTSSS of beer at MYYY house”…

or

3) He’s starting to undress me with his cataract eyes…

Me, “No sir, I’m fine. I’ watching this game then meeting up with some friends”.

You know how I know he was making passes? Because typical old drunks quit after you tell them you don’t wanna hang out.

Him, “C’mon.. I got beeeeeer… Only for an hour or so…”

Me, “Free bee.. No. No. I’m not going to hang out with you… Forget it. I’m leaving after this beer and.. No.”

(Ladies: i can now relate at how you mentally feel when a creep is sitting with you making suggestive remarks. You move your drink closer in an effort to prevent him mixing the patented “roofi-tini)

As I place my hand on top of the spout of my beer the thought crossed my mind that all it would take is one swift blow to his temple and I can drop this 250 lbs box of farts and boy lovin’.

But then your conscience kicks in with silly thoughts of “this is someones grandpa” and “manslaughter”, so I quickly scattered those clouds.

I ignored him for about 10 minutes and he got up, shook my hand, and stumbled out.

The moment the door shut, EVERYONE sitting at the bar erupted in laughter.

“Piss on you all! Every one of you knew he was an old pervert didn’t you!”

They did. They said he has been kicked out before for making “fellatious remarks” to other male patrons.

They just wanted some Monday night humor.

Me to the whole bar, “You all know that I could be one of those decoys on Dateline.”