These Are Our Nation’s Future Leaders

Years ago I believe we were in 10th grade; we had a long weekend in October for Columbus Day. I was hanging around all the familiar people like Treez, Skeet, Eskimo and a guy named Nick. We had been drinking at various places throughout the night and we had our eye on the prize…chickenheads (aka, easy women on the block). There were a few girls we had that we were supposed to hang around but there are many turns and twists throughout the night. I was riding with Skeet in his truck and Treez and Nick were riding in Nick’s truck with Eskimo driving…under suspended license. We drank at various people’s houses all night and then we went to AHAB’s…a Muslim gas stations that sold us tobacco and beer while we were underage. We went in and grabbed a couple cases and proceeded to walk outside and these two quasi-attractive but drunkable girls that asked me what we were up to. They were at the phone booth saying they were waiting on some guys to call back from the page they sent him, but he wasn’t calling them back. They asked me if we wanted to hang out and of course I said…MAYBE. I was horny and young at the time; maybe 15 years old. Well I got their number and then we proceeded to try and go to another party but on the way out Skeet and me kept driving but Eskimo peeled out in Nick’s truck and of course Johnny Law was there waiting. He pulled them over and we kept going and wound up at Skeet’s house. We called the skanks from the gas station and as we walked outside Nick’s mom dropped off Eskimo in the driveway. He told us of tales of them spraying Michael Jordan cologne in their mouths to get rid of the alcohol smell and that the cops let them go with Nick getting a Minor in Possession and the other guys could get taken home by his mom without any repercussions. So us three, Eskimo, Skeet and me went to the earlier mentioned skank’s apartment which was set in Section 8 housing and come to find out it was her cousin’s house who was on welfare with a young boy. We walked into the living room and there they were…not two like earlier but three this time. We drank and partied and talked and so on but it soon led me into a chugging contest with Skeet. He won; I got fucked up and did the inevitable. I took the one that liked me into a room…decorated with children’s toys and a crib. The baby wasn’t in the crib mind you. Well I did the deed and went back to the living room to drink more. The third girl…the new one wasn’t there anymore so there we were 3 guys and 2 girls. Well 30 minutes passed by and then me and Eskimo noticed that we were with only one girl and Skeet and the one that I had already boned was nowhere in sight. 10 minutes later they arose from the very bedroom I did her in not even 1 hour earlier.

 [Side note: Skeet hit it and he was a virgin before that night. He lost his virginity to a complete hoe that his friend did only a short time before that.]

 Anyways…20 minutes after he got his then made up a lie that his mom paged him and he high-tailed it out of there leaving me and Eskimo behind. We were lost so we did what other respecting young men would have done. We kept drinking until we could forget the night. I awoke some time later to Eskimo slapping me on the face telling me to wake up and smoke a cigarette with him. Eskimo went to the balcony to smoke and he told me he watched the two girls take my penis out and they were digging their teeth into it. I got scared so he went to the bathroom cause he had to piss and he filled the shampoo bottles with piss and then the cousin of one of the sluts woke up from work around 5 and took us both home. We dropped Eskimo off at his house but I had her drop me off at a house that was in my neighborhood but about 4 blocks away so there was no way they could find out where I was.

The moral to the story: Don’t take achickenheads invitation to hang out with her if she is standing at the PayPhone at AHAB’s waiting on another guy to call her

My dumbass Princess Pooki

My sheltie was just clawing at the back door while i was on the phone. I go to let her out and she makes a b-line dash off the porch and jump in the grass. I kinda looked at her like, “what the hell?… Weirdo” and continued on about my fantasy team wth a friend and watch her as she stared back at me almost smiling with her long mouth open.

This stareoff went on for a little less then a minute when she stuffs her snout in the grass and proceeds to get after something. I am now becoming interested in what type of entertainment she found and become curious myself. Right as I open the door she plops down chin first and starts to wrestle an wallow in whatever she found. Now, I’m like “Oh boy! Me Next! (its the a.d.d. I think, ask any of my close frie… oooh butterflies!)

My walk now turns into a swift brisk speed walk WHILE ending the conversion on the phone. As I am now 10 feet from pooki she suddenly stops, stands up, and looks at me. I am in shock… She nose-dived into shit and proceeded to roll in it.. Yeah! RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I am so mad I am laughing.. So is she. (if she could, you could see it in her eyes though).

I walk chase her back inside and she is now sitting in the dining room giving me the “lets play ball” look. I’m giving her the “If I didn’t love you so much I’d Vick ya” look. I have to document this so I grab my camera and take pictures of my dog wearing a doodoo beard. I grab the shampoo in one hand, my poo ridden dog under the other arm and we journey to the tub.

Oh, but its not over…

I basically hold my wuss of a dog in the tub and continue scrubbing the poo out of her (literally). This treatment goes on for about 10 minutes, trying to hold her still in the water while washing her, a challenging task. We get done. She jumps out, shakes her wet ass thick coat off every 5 steps as I chase her trying to dry her off before I have to clean water up everywhere.
I take her outside, brush her out, now she looks like she has cornrows..

freakin pook doggy dogg.

We go back inside and I scold her… Then it happens..
She is sitting down on the living room floor, and I am trying to take a picture of how funny she looks with cornrows and trying not to laugh as I tell her how bad she is. Then i noticed she was sitting funny. Like she was on her ass, but her legs were up off the ground. I said to myself, “why the hell are you… wait…NOOOO!!!!”

Pooki had a buttrace across the white living room carpet.

Pooki proceeded to wipe her butt in a 1 1/2 foot poo streak. My dog peeled out on my living room carpet right in front of me! AS I WAS SCOLDING HER FOR PLAYING IN IT! I am hysterically laughing and she thinks I’m playing so she tries it again! I jar out, “Pooki stop laying skidmarks on he white carpet you dumbass!!!” It’s a shitfest and I’m the circusmaster, and pooki is the center ring.

I’m indecisive on what her new nickname should be:

Poopi

Dooki or

Madam Shitchin McSkidmarks

also note, while I am typing this my other dog Penny is sitting behind me cleaning her ass. If they were humans, you could write a sitcom about them.

What a day…

The Truth About Karma

Karma is inevitable. It truly is funny how the universe unfolds. Many times I can think of how that ridiculous 5 letter word has impacted my life. As a matter of fact, I could write powder room literature for a living on karma.  But one story really makes me laugh every time I think of it…

I believe I was in early high school when I began dating this cute little blond. She was typically ditsy yet attractive. Christian yet high maintenance.  Sexy yet prude. Everyone knows one.

Anyways, with my buddies at lunch, we would always get our same 2 to 3 restaurant style tables and have lunch while giving each other hell.  When one of the guys began dating someone new, it was always custom for the girl (with her friends) to migrate to our general area. The girlfriends typically sat next to said “significant other” while the guys typically backed up their fellow friend.  This girl I was with was generally quiet however she would now and again make small talk/opinions/insults that were relevant to said topic. 

Back in this time I was just coming to hate (and still do) going to the barber. I suppose it was around this time that I found it hard to understand the difficulty of cutting hair with one length guard on top, shaving the sides and bleaching the absolute fuck out of it.  One way or another, every guy still looked like abnormal douche bags.  I guess I had tried cutting my hair for the first time and as usual, absolutely mangled the top of my head.

Nothing looked right.  Whatever, I’ll just burn bleach it and none the wiser.

Wrong. The next morning I arrived at school and girlfriend of course, took one look at my head and unleashed the jokes. That woman sunk her teeth in.  So naturally I’m self conscience for the rest of the day. You know that feeling? When you think everyone is noting the “terrorist attack” you call a haircut all day but you were unable to do anything about it? That was me up until lunch.

When lunch arrived, of course, girlfriend started making stupid remarks which REALLY pissed me off because she drew attention for my asshole friends. Let the feeding frenzy begin.  By this time I’m so angered with her that I avoid her, ignore her, and hurry about the day until I can get home and fix it.  I remember looking in the mirror saying to myself, “this isn’t even bad?! Just a little touch up here and there! What a bitch!”

I show up to school the next day with my revamped hairdo expecting to see girlfriend and have her yell at me for not calling her or returning any of her pages.

First period. No sign.

Second period. Not there.

Third Period. Nope. 

When lunch came around I finally saw her staring at me from the distance. I figured “lets get this over with…”

As I approached her she didn’t look happy, as assumed.

Then I noticed it.

“HOLY SHIT SHE’S MISSING A WHOLE SECTION OF HAIR!”

I laughed straight in her face. You know the payback laughs? This was it, mixed in a strainer with a 2 shots of “boy it sucks to be you” and a dash of “you totally had it coming”… She just turned and walked away. I would have too though. It was pretty humiliating

Obviously I quit talking to her. What? It wasn’t like we were serious? Besides, we didn’t have much in common… Well, except for the bald spots…

You’re probably curious what happened. Here goes.

Come to find out after school the day before she went to her equestrian or something and the horse went bonkers and ran under a low tree and kind of “swept her” off it’s back. She had to go get stitches in her scalp and doing so they had to shave a part of her head.  No wonder she was paging me…

GO ZERO-U!!!

What does OU and reefer have in common?

THEY BOTH GET SMOKED IN BOWLS

AAAHAHAHAHAHA

boomer sooner boomer sooner boomer sooner boom…..eeeerrrrrrr…..

Let’s give a rah for West Virginia
And let us pledge to her anew,
Others may be black or crimson,
but for us it’s Gold and Blue.
Let all our troubles be forgotten,
Let college spirit rule,
We’ll join and give our loyal efforts
For the good of our old school.

It’s West Virginia, It’s West Virginia
The Pride of every Mountaineer.
Come on you old grads, join with us young lads,
It’s West Virginia now we cheer!
Now is the time, boys, to make a big noise
No matter what the people say,
For there is naught to fear; the gang’s all here,
So hail to West Virginia, Hail!!!!!!!!

ousted by the “shitty conference team” for 2 years in a row?!?!?!

Sooner born sooner bred and when I die I’ll be sooner dead?
………yeah…. dead on arrival…..

ahhhhh… ok, let me have it…