The summer I had lived at Gerbils duplex we had our first defining moment in our still young friendship that was the blueprints for the skyscraper it is now today.
The night began as usual for a college freshman and his older friends. Pre-partying at Gerbils and making phone calls for the evening. It was early spring semester 2003 and I wanted what every 18 year old freshman wanted, alcohol and girls. I talked to this girl I new from high school and we planned on going to her apartment and partying for a while. Little did I know this was building to be one of the scariest/funniest moments in my young life.
Upon arriving, Gerbil and I saw the girls had a full bottle of liquid regret (pronounced: tequila). We all sat around and took shots and laughed. I believe weeks prior I had learned what the “man shot” was, and everyone was daring one another to do it. If you don’t know what a man shot is; it’s when you snort the line of salt, slam the shot, and then squeeze the lime in your eye. Terribly and idiotically painful, but when someone else does it, you can’t help but pop a blood vessel laughing uncontrollably. This evening was undoubtedly turning into a great night. About
I spoke too soon.
We get a ride back to Gerbils duplex and raid the kitchen. I think by this point we were our conversations went something like this, with our mouths full of leftovers and whatnot.
Gerbil, “thwiz ish noth cutthinn thit. We nleedz moor foothds.
Me, “*flabble* *babble*
Our buddy “Pav” had left his truck over. Circle S convenient store was… Oh… 90-100 yards from Gerbils front porch. Ever make a bad decision? We did. And it went a little something like this…
Gerbil insists we take the run down truck. I agree because when you’re as drunk as me, agreeing is pretty damn cool. I was already riding the fact that this was the best night ever. And pretty much, if you’re 18, drunk, and hanging out with the older guys, and Hottie McHotass just forced me into a tongue submission, I’m unstoppable.
Now this truck sucks. I mean bad. Imagine those trucks you see around town that instead of saving the money up, they spend five dollars at a time on the accessory aisle at AutoZone® in order to “pimp their ride”. I remember what felt like a clutch that needed serious aggression with a side of finesse in order to work it. A stick shift that would sometimes shift when it damn well felt like it, but of course it had the chrome skull shifter knob with glowing eyes. All the truck needed was an 8′X 10′ flag of the Virgin Mary flapping in the wind. Oh, and plastic spinners… Plastic spinners would have been the cherry.
Anyways, Gerbil decides since he is older he will drive. I have ABSOLUTELY no problem with this, until he proved that starting this truck will require a bike tire pump, a novelty baseball bat, and pez.
Once again, we were that bad.
I say “I’ll push it, you pop the clutch!” Which translates to “You keep your 350 pound drunk fat ass in the shoebox of a cab and I’ll force my 120 pound self to push us out of the driveway and uphill a football field length to a gas station!” I actually to this day try to think back on why we were taking the truck in the first place. I mean, a truck isn’t necessarily needed when buying beef jerky, cashews, and a twin chili dog. But whatever, it seemed like a wise decision at this particular time in history.
I push us out of the driveway while every few feet Gerbil taps the brakes so I run into the truck. He laughs and so do I. My friends are wonderful. I get the truck on the side street and begin my ascent. I make it roughly 5 feet and the car behind me flashes his lights. In my mind I can just replay thinking why this guy doesn’t go around. Then I find out why. Typically a man whose duties are to uphold the law will eventually become curious why some scrawny kid is pushing a truck with beers in his back pocket while the person steering consistently taps the brakes and laughs. That officer become so curious he decided to take a closer look. He flashed his overhead lights. I saw the colored reflection on the back of the truck and thought quickly. “I’ll hide!”
On a side note, I learned when I was young and playing neighborhood hide and seek at night that the most obvious hiding places are majority of the time overlooked. This over years became an instinct. I could lay flat down in the front yard and people would almost trip over you as they ran and looked in all the clever hiding places.
11 years and hundreds of hide and go seek games later I’m standing in a street, 18 years old, laughing to my self while this officer is sitting in his car laughing at what he is witnessing. I casually take my hands of the car, stupor around to the passenger door, peak back at the squad car, smile big and dive as QUICKLY as possible into the passenger seat of the car. You read that right. I hid in the cab. I thought I was the most quick witted… zzzzzzzzzzzz
This is where I decided that it would be the best time to take a quick nap. The next paragraph is what I was told about around an hour later by Gerbil.
The officer approaches the driver side and asks Gerbil where we were headed. Apparently he was behind us for quite some time. He must love his job.
Gerbil tells him we were pushing the truck to the gas station for a snack. The officer is dumbfounded but maintaining a very friendly sense of humor. We were apparently off the hook. The officer was gonna help us (and by us I meant Gerbil) push the truck back into the driveway and tell us to call it a night. That was until “sarge” was cruising by and wanted to check it out. It is obvious that the chief officer is going to want to do everything by the book. Tahlequah officers are either left or right, A or B, funny and forgiving or mean and…well mean.
I wake up (kind of) as 2 officers are shining a flashlight through the window. I am playing asleep so maybe they will go away. If you’re wondering why there were 2 officers it’s because if something out of the ordinary happens in Tahlequah, every member of the city law enforcement deem it necessary to assist in the matter. There are 2 guys, one passed out, the other telling jokes and being friendly and the city all but brought out the tanks and riot gear, gooooo tax dollars!
Gerbil says, “Don’t open that door, he’ll fall out”. They laugh, and go about opening the door. Gerbil says again “I’m really not kidding, the little guys sleeping. The door comes open and I roll out like jelly. I distinctly remember hearing my own head hit the pavement. This is turn woke me up. With a concussion, but it did wake me up for the night. They drag me into the squad car and while they’re buckling me in, they are being friendly, “We’re gonna take care of you tonight” said one, the other told me not to worry. I wasn’t worrying. I just made friends. Oh yeah, and an extremely hot girl had her way with me.
I look up at Gerbil through the windshield of the squad car and he is looking at me and laughing. Apparently he was in actual physical control of a motor vehicle. Somewhere around this time I decide sleep is more important than the Public Intoxication I’m almost assured to get. I believe it was Rodney Carrington who said “you know you’re drunk when you get arrested and you laugh.” That’s exactly what we were doing this whole time. Hell, so were the officers.
I guess the definition of “Actual Physical Control” is being a big jerkass and pumping the brakes while the skinny guy is repeatedly slamming into the back of the truck. But this was mainly his idea. He saw what happened to me. He had an idea of his own. “Well, since I suppose I’m going to jail for the evening I’m just going to have to make you all earn this arrest.” Gerbil drops flat to the ground and plays deadweight. I guess it’s not resisting arrest if you’re doing the opposite of resisting. They all gather Gerbil and somehow get him in the squad car; I really don’t know how, Gerbils a very big fellow.
Next thing I remember I have an officer handing me 2 wool blankets and putting me on a bed and telling me to sleep it off, and that I’ll be fine tonight. Gerbil is right behind me.
I am on the drunk tank bed smiling and squinting at Gerbil as he looks at me.
“Well that was fun” I said smiling.
Gerbil smiled back “Yeah it was.” “Now get up, you’re in my bed”.
We’ve been best friends, ever since.
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