Phishr Chronicles

Before I begin, there is no category for such subject so I chose Art and Photography, face it porn is not porn anymore, with all the weird stuff today.

I am not too complex of a guy. But the smut out these days is revolting. While hanging out with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while, we were on the subject of such topic and the term “snuff films” came up. I was oblivious to this until later defined as “a film of actual human death” in which most cases are a porno flick with a person being killed in the end. 

Did you catch this?

People get their jollies to this! 
Being a guy with many other guy friends you do hear and come across some weird shit (I usually try not to cuss in my blogs but it really is SHIT). I find porn to be disgusting in the first place, if you are my age I grew up with “soft-core-made-for-cable-have-an-imagination-USA network-silk stockings” porn. You know what I’m talking about? The sex scenes were necking and an occasional side boob. Yeah! Yeah youngstas! I rememeber no internet, someone getting their hands on a dirty magazine days! If you can relate to any of these you know what I speak of..

So I now ask, what brings people to sink to this level? Everyone knows a guy tugs one off every now and then (I apologize if my sisters read this) but if it is something that your family saw in yor own private collection do you not get embarassed? I own no porn, have none on my computer and the only “adult magazine” I look at is Playboy.. (I read the girls).  Is this where you want Jesus to find you? Watching a woman and an animal? Yuck… I’m not disgusted by alot of things, but from what the internet has taught me, as well as friends from college, people are into some things that would make a seagull toss cookies..
Did you know people dress up as fuzzy play animals and rock each other?
How about Instrumental sodomy? Yeah, revolting.

This is all connected to Dateline: To catch a Predator..  I swear.. Stick with me here..

Porn can be classified as a pyramid of perversion correct? You have your Comedy Central Late Night Girls Gone Wild infomercials with the boobies censored out with boxes that look like they copied and pasted from the old Batman shows.  Like over her naughty sections it says WHAM! or OH SNAP!!!
Anyways thats the basement to this pyramid. 
Then you go up to your HBO porn, and so on until you get to the top tiers of this pervers-a-mid, which would account for illegal sexual predator stuff. Then topping this pyramid would have to be this snuff fantasy (which is basically like a rape murder fantasy).  When said porn enthusiasts gets bored and isn’t feeling it in current tier, they kick up the fantasy a notch.  This snowballs (haha) until desire becomes a personal reality. In stated diagram I have generalized green as normal, yellow can have degrees of normality but is more or less a danger zone for the next tier, which I classified as perverted.  If yu are in this level you need psychological help.  I might not be an advocate to the definition of normal but if you’re defending how you like to be cut and poopooed on then quit. There is still hope for this level….But…
Not the next level.  You have officially fallen into the “people like this get beaten, sodomized, and killed in a very illustrated way in prison” perverted.  There is a reason you cannot live by schools.  Inmates have it out for cons like you in the state pen.  Guards oversee your abuse.  My only advise to you is practice how to tear and tie mattress material, because thats the only thing to hang yourself with in your cell when you are being constantly tortured.

Back to Dateline.. 

I do believe they deserve punishments, some of which should be years in prison, like the cops/teachers that show up at the house with rubbers, crack, their 4 year old child, rope, blunt objects, etc.  But one way or another I still get confused.  If you watch the show then you have inevitably seen the guys who show up WITH prior hints that it is a sting, questioned their very own judgement, stood outside and contemplated entering the dwelling AND GO THROUGH WITH IT?!
WHY?
You drive 5 hours at 2 a.m. and question your judgement on the front porch? Good god, go inside, sit down with the cookies and just be honest with Chris Hansen.. Because you’re not fooling anyone when you try to convince America that you were there to give “advice and guidance”, or you came by to “watch movies”

-What I’d like to hear on an episode once-

Chris Hansen “How you doin? Why don’t you go ahead and have a seat there”

Predator “”How you doin sir..”

C.H. “Good! So wanna tell me what your here for tonight?”

Predator “Well sir, *takes a bite of cookie, nods head* I’m here to get my pencil wet with some extremely underage girl where I then plan..
                    *Compliments them on delicious cookies*
…to knock her out, tie her up, rob this mother fucker blind and burn the house down as I drive 5 hours back home laughing and counting the jewelry..”

C.H. “Oh… Well… Hmmm.. Kinda took the fun out of this one didn’t you”

Predator “What can I say Chris Hansen,  hey.. Got any milk for these cookies?”

I’d love to hear that.  Granted he would be facing conspiracy charges but it’s better than the perverts that come in and play off like they’re lost and need directions or something.

Anyways, What my final point was is to make people aware of this, and add a smile on a face as well
Now back to getting sodomized by a donkey while drinking blood and being shocked with car batteries.  Later freaks…

I did it. I’ve had another epiphany. Except it just kept going…

And you all who know me well will begin to read this and quit when you’re half way into it.  That’s fine.. Just goes to show how you can’t handle truth.  Roast?

After a while, it begins to get difficult to find topics that EVERYONE can relate to besides relationships.  AND to all of you who say “I would never take relationship advice” that’s fine.  However, just to let you know, I’ve been there and back in the dating scene… Many times.  And to watch the people who used to “criticize” and give one “advice” on how to fix it… Well you my friend are stupid.  It didn’t work, and just to think, it’s the same thing you keep telling yourself everyday when he/she walk all over you etc… Ouch?

Just like a high school girl loading on the makeup, wearing more mature clothes, dating older men, there is one thing for sure, no matter how different she looks, that ass will get you 10-12 in no time.  Just like that embarrassment you call your relationship. As much as you coat it, make it look pretty, and gloat about it.. You’re still screaming yourself to sleep at night.

ANYWAYS, back to the epiphany.  Cheating.  I love it.  Hang with me here.  I was just asked by a friend on one of those silly “answer the questions and send back to me”. You know the teenage ones that have 49 pointless filler questions and the 1 do you like me question.  I was asked “Would you cheat”.  Pretty simple right? Not hardly. Yes I would cheat.  I’ve cheated before, I’d cheat again, and I would want the girl to walk in midstroke and run away crying.

Ok, now before you come unhinged and attempt to collect a metaphorical ton of hatred upon me hear this.  I would only cheat when you treat me like shit, trash my gifts I buy you, disrespect me in front of yours and my friends, flirt with other guys/girls, try to absolutely control me (big no-no), etc. AND you would have to do these to an alarming magnitude and together.  I DO have a soul; I know that sometimes you will do this.
Oh but does that not sound fair? What’s stopping you from doing his too? I’d want you to do this, because if I ever treated you like stated, I want you to break my heart in a terrible way.

Now is there ever a time when cheating is NOT acceptable? Yes! Follow Me!

1. Drunk.
You are being trusted? If I’m not trusted drinking with my friends (only safe haven) then I’d lose my mind. Drunk isn’t an excuse. Quit trying to lie to yourself… This is the foundation to becoming a compulsive liar. Heathen.

2. Area Code.
Different area code? Same lame ass movie line you try to live by without understanding in your feeble mind that IT”S A MOVIE. IT”S CALLED ACTING.

3. Better looking than current sig. other.
Then why is your loser ass with them in the first place? If you’re so hot, why do you have a sig. other?

4. Different Sex.
Seriously? Most likely your sig. other would want in.  Not me.  If I’m with someone, that’s it. That someone and I.  Besides, Gay is ok. Straight is ok. But both at the same time, go to a shrink.
*Women want gay guys. If gay guys want those women also, you might as well get the Kleenex out, loner.

5. Sig. other said it was ok.
To get your ass out of the house so she can roll your b.f.f…. dumb.a.

6. Would never have the opportunity again.
HA! Now you’re gonna have ALOT of opportunities… Ya know… Without that pesky girlfriend.

7. It just happened.
You know what else JUST happens? The clap.

8. MARRIAGE.
WHY? Is she not the same person she used to be? Should have DATED her cake eating ass a little longer and not rushed such a serious commitment. Dumbshit… Cheat on a girl/boyfriend and the relationship ends (hopefully).  Cheat on a spouse; you’re an adulterer/adulteress.  That’s the difference between jaywalking and rape; to you criminals out there.

WARNING: How I really feel. If you’re not agreeing so far. Just stop.
*I have 0% sympathy for divorces today. I’d say a hefty 65% of you people make me sick.  I don’t know, it might just be me but last time I checked, marriage was kind of a sacred thing.  If there is a hell, I sure hope that tempting little vixen at the end of the bar is worth it.  LET IT WAIT. So many of you act like marriage won’t be there tomorrow morning when you wake up. WELL IF YOU”RE AFRAID OF THAT- MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T BE GETTING MARRIED? Last time I checked, love is forever, I enjoy being young and free and divorce is, well… How should I put this…? UNBELIEVABLY EXPENSIVE? Well not for her, because she probably has all of your income when it is said and done.
But Matt? How can you put a price on love?
I’m not. I’m educating the costs of divorce.

To sum that above up.  There should be laws on marriage. Cause it affects everyone.  Trust me; I’ll be paying your WIC or welfare sooner or later. Go ahead and focus on your future so I won’t have to. Then you can make as many ignorant mistakes as you desire!
Just for all this, I know I’ll be blessed with a cheating wife, a group of black babies (figuratively), and a house I’ll be fighting for in a courtroom.  Stupid karma…

In conclusion, cheating is how to get out of a relationship in the meanest way possible. Meaning it is like a weapon.  Ever heard the saying, “Never point a weapon unless you fully intend on using it”? Well cheating as a weapon, this applies as well.  Never play the cheat weapon unless it is a last resort.  But if it does come down to using cheating, shoot to kill…

A few more rules for after the cheat has been performed.
-Be sure it is no strings attached SEX.  You’ll thank me later.
-You cheated for one sole purpose.  Go straight to significant other and confess.  They must be the first one to know, otherwise it conflicts validity. I promise.
-Be sure to think of clever way to explain, if it’s the stinker finger, the “come here and watch this”, or a simple coy remark, i.e.- announce you’ve been in a wreck, you rear ended someone. Then replace “a wreck” with “one of your friends”, or whatever. Be sure to be funny though.  This story has to hold water and friends do like to test said holding capability.
-Don’t screw yourself over.  Be sure to check all scenarios, exits, other routes.
-Be prepared for significant other to confess to tomfoolery as well. Don’t believe her? Ask Tom himself…
-After a hard day of sleeping with your significant others friend, be sure to celebrate with closest friends at local establishment.  RULE! First rounds on you, you dragged them up to brag, you pay.
-AND FINALLY If you cannot get anyone to sleep with you besides her (even if) give up. You are officially owned. Sorry.

From me to you, happy cheating! I hope your conscience knows its role!

I’d like to let you in on the current project

Participants: Lincoln Alwood, Matthew Fisher

Tools: 1 oven, 1 deep fryer, 1 toaster

Ingredients: Whole Chicken, 1 lb Beef, 1/2 cup Colby cheese, 1/2 cup Cheddar cheese, 1/2 cup Pepper Jack, 1/2 cup Marble Jack.  3 eggs, 1 cup flour.  Texas Sized Hamburger buns (2), country gravy, mayo, various garnishes and relishes.

Code Name:             Operation MOTHER CLUCKER

A year or so ago, while searching the internet for ridiculous foods, an age old challenge was stumbled upon. A mass multi-thousand calorie challenge… Upon a little more research, it was determined that with the grilling skills of one man and the culinary skills of another man… The Mother Clucker was to be made.  No more can I find any information but the recipe is securily held in our heads. No pictures can be retrieved on said mother clucker. Upon searching today, we could only find eateries and diners named mother clucker, WITH NO SUCH ITEM ON MENU. We had a sickness.. An the only remedy was the mother clucker.

The mother clucker is a 1/2 lb hamburger patty broiled in its own fat.
The patty is only cooked HALF way through.
Remove the whole skin from a chicken and wrap said patty with chicken skin.
Stuff remaining space in skin with 4 cheese blend (shredded)
Close off skin with toothpick to prevent ingredient spillage.
Batter and coat chicken skin and deep fry.
Toast Bread.
Now smother with any topping choice, (preferably mayo or country gravy)
Eat whole thing.

It can be presumed that the mother clucker can weigh in around 1 to1 1/2 lbs after completed.

Is the mother clucker a myth? We will soon find out.  The count down has started  Upon eating something with a calorie count in the general area of 10,000 calories… Health risks should be noted.

Warning!: You could die of clogged arteries, heart attack, food poisoning, ruptured internal organs, or simply from a deep-fried pleasure overload.

When questioned on why we would do it, the simple answer is “why not? Challenges like this don’t come around to often.  I personally enjoy food challenges. I have eaten very peculiar things and this is just one to add to the list.  The mother clucker is a milestone.  Just another to do to check off the list…

Pictures will be up soon…

Any added ideas? Please feel free to enlighten us!